


Hello, Angel

by permanentsmile



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Impala, Love interest - Freeform, Romance, Self Harm, Sex, angel - Freeform, protective!Sam, suicidal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2018-06-04 03:57:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 33,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6640456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/permanentsmile/pseuds/permanentsmile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex Winchester is struggling to keep up with her brothers, Sam and Dean.  Between fighting her depression and harboring a crush on a guardian angel, she has more than she bargained for.  Trigger warning: self-harm, medication abuse, and suicidal ideations. </p><p>OFC/Castiel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dreams

The patter of rain drops woke me from a deep slumber that I was in desperate need of, leaving me to feel disappointed.  The sound of my oldest brother's engine shutting off stirred me from my vivid dreams of something far more pleasant than my actual real life.  Sam and Dean, who were in the front, were wearing their black suits and picking through their fake IDs to pose as the FBI to talk to a local in Oregon over some mysterious disappearances.

"We're here already?" I asked with a yawn as I sat up in the backseat.  "What time is it?"

"Look who's finally awake!" Dean announced as he turned to look back at me.  "It's one, kiddo.  We'll be back in a bit.  Just keep an eye out for anything odd, alright?"

I frowned at him as I stared at the boys in their suits.

"Why can't I do this?  I'm twenty-one."

Dean rolled his eyes while Sam gave me a sympathetic look.

"Alex, we've been over this.  You look too young," Dean said in an irritated voice.

_Someone needs to sleep._

_Or in Dean's case, get laid._

"Sammy posed at twenty-two!"

"It was risky back then, but you know we didn't have much choice, Lex," said Sam.

He reached back and placed his hand on my head - something he did as far back as I could remember.

"We'll be fast.  Promise."  He smiled at me, his dimples standing out with his white teeth, before getting out of the car with Dean following him.

I stared out the window at them, watching them hurry to the front door of an old Tudor-style house.  I let out an irritated sigh, fogging up my window, and crossed my arms over my chest.

_Brothers..._

Sam and Dean were my adopted brothers; at the tender age of three, John Winchester adopted me after I was found in an abandoned house in the middle of nowhere in Nebraska.  While my brothers were a far deal older than me, we were still very close, and Dean was overprotective... especially since I was the girl.

"Nothing's ever going to happen to my baby sister," he'd always say with promise in his green eyes.

Mile after mile of traveling in the '67 Impala, seeing things that would continuously scar me and give me the ugliest of nightmares, my life ended up being a bit better than the other possibility.  I only knew the life of lying about who I was, and what exactly our family business was.

Out of all the years, I was the one who was left out of the actual hunting until Sammy went to college.  I did spend a good deal of time with Bobby, where he would work on training me how to handle guns, and would let me just do normal childhood stuff that my brothers missed out on.  Dean showed up to collect me after the massive fight between Dad and Sammy, and began to train me how to fight every nasty thing that came along.  It was tough, but hey - I could take on a man a foot taller than me who weighed twice as much as I, so that was pretty cool.

* * *

 

My irritation disappointed as I heard the flapping of angel wings and felt a pleasantly warm breeze brush my skin.

"Castiel," I said as my stomach fluttered.

I turned my head and saw the rogue angel stare back at me, his hair disheveled, and bottom lip bleeding.

"Hello, Alex," Cas replied in an exhausted voice.  "It seems I've come at a bad time."

"No, not at all.  What happened to you?"  I motioned toward his cut lip.

"A scuffle with a demon.  This is the third one Crowley has sent after me in the past three weeks for no apparent reason.  I tried to spare its host, but no such luck."  He looked down, seeming to show sadness (which I had long adjusted to compared to when Castiel and I first met, when he had essentially no understanding of human emotions).

"You can't save them all, Cas.  Here..."  I dug through my bag and pulled out a petty little First Aid kit, which was for minor injuries that were a daily ordeal... and because I was a hypochondriac.  "I don't know if this will do much for an angel, but it's the best a filthy mortal like me can do."

I smiled weakly at him, only to have him stare into my hazel eyes with intensity.

"You are not filthy," he said as I soaked a cotton ball in some water to clean his wound.

There was a pregnant pause while I cleaned his bottom lip, which slowly healed on its own.

_Angels...  How nice it'd be to be able to heal like that!  Or even heal Dean and Sammy that quickly.  I hate being essentially the primary medic in the family._

"You actually have one of the purist souls I have seen," Castiel said, his deep voice vibrating into my finger tips.

I pulled back from him and stared.  His cut was clean - in fact, it was healed - and his energy seemed to scream more serious than average.

When Castiel and I first met, we didn't hit it off immediately.  After a deal of time passed, he and I grew closer, and began to share a rather odd bond.  Of course, I was attracted to him - his vessel was a handsome man, and Castiel was just a beautiful being.  While he would appear while my brothers were around, it was more often when they were gone when he'd see me.  There were times when I felt like he was there, yet he was nowhere in sight...

"Thank you, Castiel," I said quietly as I stared into his beautiful sapphire eyes. "That's one of the nicest things someone has said to me."

"You are welcome, Alex."  He reached out and pressed his fingers to my forehead, and I felt my right arm tingle.

_My bruise.  How could I forget being slammed into a table a couple of days ago?  God, I hate witches..._

"When I leave, you'll be able to have another more pleasant dream," he said as he removed his fingers.  "Though I am intrigued as to why I was in your last dream in the first place."

I felt my face burn.  "Ahh...  Probably because Dean brought you up.  I'm sure you dreamed when you were human."

"I did.  You were in a number of mine, and it was rather comforting."

I watched his mouth as he spoke. Despite having such ugly and cold weather, he made everything beautiful and warm.  In his presence, I felt like someone wrapped me in a blanket and kept me safe from the monsters in the world.

_Oh, Castiel, how I wish I could kiss you..._

_Stop.  This is inappropriate.  He's an angel - a celestial being!  You have some serious issues._

"Really?  So what was I doing in your dreams?"  I smiled at him, and relaxed against the back of the seat, scooting a little closer to him.

He appeared to be in deep thought.

"I seem to remember us in a park.  It was a good day for you."  He stared at me with his typical serious expression.  "You have been remembering to take your medication daily, correct?"

"Yes," I said with an eye roll.  "Come on - didn't we do anything exciting?  An Alice Cooper concert, perhaps?"

He furrowed his eyebrows.  "I do not understand your interest in Alice Cooper."

"I don't understand your _lack_ of interest in Alice Cooper."  I smiled at him again, that time earning one in return.

_He should smile more.  He doesn't need to remain so serious._

"I wish I could see you smile more," I said quietly after his face went back to its resting expression.

"I only wish for you to smile.  You don't seem to be doing well - why have you not called for me?"

"I didn't want to bother you," I said nonchalantly.  "Besides, Sammy and I have been researching these missing cases here, so I had to stay focused."

"Call on me.  I'll be there," he said.  "Do not think I don't know about the cuts on your thighs.  You must stop, Alexandria."

I looked down at my lap, knowing that the cuts were gone after he healed me, but felt the phantom stings.

"It's not a big deal, Cas."

"It is.  I don't want you to harm yourself.  You repeatedly getting hurt while hunting is bad enough."

"Cas, I -" I was cut off by him placing his hands on my arms.

"Alexandria, you mustn't harm yourself.  I... _we_... don't want to see you go through another incident like last year.  I instructed Sam to monitor your medication.  I told you to call on me so you will be safe."

"Alright, alright. I'm sorry, Cas." I paused for a moment. "Why are your hands on me like this?"

"Isn't this how humans hug?" He gave me a puzzled look.

I snickered.  "No.  Your arms go around the person."

"My apologies," he replied as he began to slip his arms around my body.

Just before we could properly touch, he said, "Your brothers are coming.  I must go.  Sleep now."

I heard the flapping of his wings, followed by Sam and Dean getting in the car.  I felt myself collapse on the backseat and the rush of cold air wash over me.  My eyes were closed, and I was lulling off to sleep.

"Dean, be quiet.  She's sleeping," I heard Sammy whisper to Dean.

"Poor kid.  This job has been hard on her." I heard the engine start.  "Let's get a hotel so she can be in a bed.  I'm going to go interview Irene Mason; you hit the books and find out what this symbol means."

I heard paper rustling in the front.

"Of course," was the last thing I heard Sammy say before I drifted off into a deep sleep, accompanied by dreams of Castiel's presence.


	2. Missing You

The second time I woke, I was in a motel room with two queen-sized beds.  I felt my head pound as I sat up, trying my best to adjust to the dim lighting in the room.  I heard Sam typing on his laptop, apparently not being aware of my state of consciousness.

I looked around at the room from my position on the bed, and took in the repetitive, hideous wallpaper the room donned.  Lime green and orange chevron.  _Barf_.

_I can't wait until we're back in the bunker._

There was a stained, old, orange chair parked in the corner of the room near what I assumed was the bathroom door.  Sam was sitting at a table just big enough for two people, which was closer to the bed I was in.

"You need to blink once in a while," I said as I stared at Sam, causing him to jump a little and break his concentration.

"Good, you're awake.  How you feelin'?" He closed the lid to his laptop and smiled at me.

"Like I got hit by a truck."  I stretched before slinging my legs over the bed, only to find my feet were bare and the carpet was worse than average - a nauseating shade of green that was shaggier than most carpeted motels we stayed in.

"Where's Dean?"

"He went out to talk to someone, then he's bringing back food."  Sam stood and picked up his laptop, then sat next to me. 

"It looks like a Tulpa right now," he said as he opened the lid on his computer.  "Lot of local legends that were used to keep kids home at night, and a lot of inconsistencies."

"Like the Slender Man story?"  I yawned as I looked at the webpage, which had a fairly large amount of hits, and seemed to give off a _Creepy Pasta_ site vibe.

"Exactly.  I was searching through some old articles in their local paper, and noticed a rise in disappearances around 2008.  Check the date on some of the newer posts in this forum."  He sat the computer on my lap and tilted the lid back so I could read the print better.

I scrolled through the comments in the forum "Portland Boogieman" topic, admiring the cheap, cliche background that typically accompanied sites like that: black, with red symbols that gave off "satanic" vibes (most on that webpage seemed to be from some Druid backgrounds), and had the fecal spewing of your average twelve-year-old in the comments.  A comment from a twenty-year-old girl named Nikki caught my eye.

"Check it out - this is from February in 2008: ' _Guys, I'm serious when I say this - my friend has just disappeared.  Her name is Akayla Johnson.  She is thirteen, five-foot-three, and weighs about one-hundred pounds.  She went out after dark because our friend dared her while we were messaging on MySpace, and she never returned our messages.  Her mom called mine this morning and asked if she came to our place_.

"' _She wasn't in school today, either.  This is not normal for her_.'"

"So get this - Akayla was the start of a pile of teens disappearing in the area after this.  I collected seven names from the time Akayla disappeared until 2010, when this seemed to go dormant.  Check out the newer comments."

I noticed Sam was flipping through a small notebook that had his frantic writing covering the pages.

"Hang on, Tony Gunk, I'm getting there," I said quietly, checking out the last page on the thread.  "March of this year.  This was posted the other day!  Look at these!"

My eyes widened as I kept going back through previous pages, finally stopping at the fifteenth page in the thread to see the beginning of the reboot.

"' _It's been a while since our Boogeyman has taken anyone.  Think he's dead?  Think he decided to go somewhere else?  Think again!  He's back, and he's stronger than ever_.'

"Christ, what is this, some kind of shitty television product?" I muttered as I rolled my eyes at the corny post.

"Keep reading," said Sam.

"' _Our friend has been spotted near the 7-11 around one AM last week.  The guy who goes to my school is the one who saw him, and he couldn't get a picture in time, but it seemed to disappear too fast for him to get a pic with his phone.  I think this thing only goes after chicks_.'"

That post was from a sixteen-year-old named Zac.  The date?  January. 

I continued to click through the posts, finding people buying into females being the main targets of this 'Boogeyman,' and people adding in it being part of some old cult so there needed to be thirteen victims before it could finally die off, or 'complete its mission.'  There were some Scientology-esque posts thrown in, but it was mainly the usual: pack of teens swarm on the topic, keep pushing for it to be this one creature, keep adding in 'origin stories,' and keep giving the Tulpa power.

"God I hate the internet sometimes," I muttered as I passed the laptop back to Sam.  "Looks like we have a 'Boogeyman' who only takes girls, needs its thirteenth victim to complete some kind of old cult that started in the early 1900s, and seems to be impossible to kill.  No mentions of it being a phantom or anything."

"This is where you come in, Lex," Sam said as he looked down at me.

"Come again?"  I stared at him.

 _Sam wants to put **me** in the line of fire?  Right... goes after girls.._.

"Sign up on this site, start adding in that he's actually a vengeful spirit, and we'll wait it out until the story takes off.  I'll see if I can find any more sites with this kind of story running to see if you can post there.  Make it a spirit, and it'll be pretty easy to get rid of it."

"Good point."  I sighed and opened the laptop again, and went through the annoying 'sign up' process.

"I haven't come across any articles dating back far enough to give us a person, so I'll need to go to the library tomorrow.  You feel up to coming with me?"

I looked up from the laptop to see him standing over me, arms crossed over his blue plaid shirt, and sighed as I stared back down at the screen.

"Yeah, possibly.  What time?"

"Library opens at noon.  Might as well go then.  You know stuff like this can take a while."  He sighed and made himself comfortable on the other side of the bed. 

"It's six, Lex.  You need your medicine."

I finished typing in a password for my account and paused, feeling annoyed with the same deal every day - time to take this, time to take that - blah, blah, blah.

"Alright, alright." I placed his laptop on the pillow and got up.  "You don't have to remind me every day, you know." 

I felt Sam's eyes on me while I dug through my small bag that held my medications, doctor notes, and fake IDs.  Well, the fake ID I did have, which showed I was from Kansas instead of Nebraska.  Dean wouldn't let me have any others so I could feel like a more valued member of the team.

_He bugs me so much.  I know he cares, but **come on**.  He doesn't need to protect me now._

I felt a sudden warmth come over me - pleasant, peaceful, calming... need I list more adjectives?  I felt my lips stretch into a smile, thinking of Castiel.  Turns out it was just a little heater kicking on and blowing on me, but hey... I hadn't taken my meds yet.

"Have any water?" I asked in enough time to see a bottle of water being tossed at me.

I quickly caught it and stumbled a little, nearly dropping the three pills of various colors and sizes to the floor.

"Sammy!" I exclaimed, watching him laugh from his place on the bed.

"I figured you'd catch it, but I didn't expect you to nearly go down.  I figured the sleep would've helped you out, sis."

"Ha, ha."  I tossed the pills in my mouth and took a swig of the water, then threw it back at him.  "Alright, pills have been swallowed."

I sat next to him on the bed.

"Did you remember your Celexa?"

"Yes," I muttered.

"Your Seroquel?"

"Yes," I said, feeling a little more irritated.

"Your Lithium?"

" _Yes_ , Sammy, Jesus Christ."  I was getting annoyed.

"I'm sorry," he said as I turned to give him a scowl.  "You know I made a promise."

"And I know you're about to go check my pill cases to make sure I took everything anyway, despite me already telling the truth."

He smiled at me.  "Exactly."

Sam had a way with making you feel a little more whole when he smiled at you, but despite his little charms and being the more understanding one between my brothers, he could still be a pain in my ass when I was in the wrong mood.

"I take it the Lithium hasn't had enough time to start taking effect."  Sam got up and searched my bag, checking my weekly pillcase.

"You didn't take your Xanax.  Is your anxiety controlled today?"

I held my breath for a moment, feeling my temper ready to fly at any second.

"Yes, Dr. Sam."

"But you're hostile."  He looked at me, his eyes were playful despite the more serious situation.

"Sammy, I swear..."

He started to approach me, almost like a zombie.

"Must... not... do it..." he said in a struggled voice as he reached the bed, grabbing the pillow from behind me.

"Sammy, I swear I will kick your ass if you start this," I warned him, raising my arm up to shield my head.

He swatted me with the pillow and laughed.

"I'm fightin' it, Lex!  I'm doing my best here!"  He gave me a smack on the arm with the pillow.

I stood up on the bed and grabbed the pillow on his side of the bed, arming myself for our tradition while Dean was away: Epic Pillow Fighting.

What is Epic Pillow Fighting?  It's not just _ordinary_ pillow fighting like you do at sleepovers with your friends.  It's a game involving physical strength, superior strategic skills, and being able to play dirty when needed.  The object of the game was to get the other person to forfeit or drop their pillow, and you needed to be able to perform some kind of martial arts or gymnastic move.

Or just go through a few rounds and winner takes all.

Sam and I made the game up when I was about seven when we were stuck with Dean "babysitting us" in a crappy motel room in Jersey.  Dad was in upstate New York, and wanted Dean to take care of a vengeful spirit for him.  We annoyed Dean endlessly with our silly game, so we had to wait until he would leave to play it.  Sam, despite being a great hunter and hard-working, did love a childish game from time to time.

"Your last chance to surrender, Sammy.  Don't forget who holds the record in this game."

He swatted me again, that time getting the side of my leg.

"Leg shot!  Two points!"  He did a quick spin.  "That's nine points for Sam, and a big fat ZERO for Alex!"

"Eat feathers, brother," I said as I hit his head.  " _Oh_!  Ten points for me!"  He got up on the opposite bed (otherwise known as Dean's bed, which would really piss Dean off when he'd come back, but he could be more easy-going if he was in the right mood) and kneeled.

"You're kidding," I said as I saw him getting into position to jump the beds.  "There's a good six feet between us.  You can't jump that."

"Watch me," he said as he leaped from Dean's bed to ours, giving me a good swat in the face.

"Face shot!  Six points!  The score is fifteen to ten.  Who will win?"

"Me!"  I smacked him on the shoulder (one point), the stomach (one point), and the ass (three points).  "Tie-breaker!"

We stood at opposite ends of the bed, staring at each other like two lions about to fight over their prey, when we heard the door open.

"Oh, come on," said Dean, causing Sam to break eye contact and stare at our oldest brother.  "Epic Pillow Fighting?  And on _my_ bed?"

I smacked Sam on the back with my pillow and got off the bed.

"I win," I said as I tossed my pillow back on our bed and walked over to Dean.

"We were just messing around.  Nothing broke," said Sam.

"This time," Dean said as he pointed his finger at Sam.  "Don't think I forgot what happened in Florida a year ago.  You two broke a lamp, and you nearly broke her leg!"

"Oh Dean, he couldn't break my leg if he tried," I said in an arrogant tone as I folded my arms over my chest.

"Of course, kiddo," he said as he gave me a quick kiss on the forehead.  "I brought dinner."

He locked the door behind himself as he dropped the large bag from a grocery store on the table.

"Whoa.  No fast food tonight?" I asked as I dug through the bag and saw stuff that probably wouldn't clog our arteries.

"Well, as much as I wanted to just get some bar burgers, Mr. Rabbit Food over there said to eat something 'healthy,' so I got this crap."  Dean sounded annoyed.

_Jesus, he's cranky._

"I call the roast beef sub," he added as I pulled out a turkey sub for Sam.

"Alright."  I grabbed a foot-long, thick, meaty sandwich and tossed it at Dean.

* * *

 

After our dinner that consisted of subs, potato chips, and some fruits that Sam and I shared, I was laying on the bed, staring up at the putrid orange ceiling, thinking back to when I was in the Impala earlier that day.  Something was a little different about Cas - he'd never tried to hug me before, and he just felt so serious.  It seemed like he wanted to talk. 

As the moment between Cas and me nearly hugging looped through my brain, my trance was broken by Dean's cell phone ringing.

"This is Dean," he answered.  "Uh huh.  Yeah, we can come now.  Right.  Okay, we'll be right there." 

He hung up his phone and turned to Sam.

"That was Irene.  She said she has some info for us.  We gotta haul ass, Sam."

"Hey, what about me?" I asked as they both stood up.

"No way in hell," said Dean.  "This thing is targeting young women and teen girls.  It might come after you if you leave."

"Why is everything we hunt so damn sexist?" I muttered as I glared at Dean.

"The stabilizer hasn't started working yet, has it?" Dean muttered to Sam.

"Ah, no...  But I'd try to approach her a little differently.  You sound a little like Dad, Dean."

"Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?  Let her run around without her medication?  She's going to get hurt some time, and I don't want to risk something happening to her."

While they were speaking rather quietly and were near the door, their conversation was pretty damn simple to pick up on.

"I can hear you two," I said while staring at them.  They turned in unison and looked at me.  " _Go_.  I'll salt the door and windows, and I won't leave the room.  I'll just go to bed."

"Atta girl," Dean said as he came over to give me a quick hug.  "We'll be back as soon as possible.  Don't wait up.  You need to rest."

"Yeah, yeah," I said as he and Sam waved while walking out the door.

"Brothers..." I mumbled while getting up to retrieve the big can of salt from one of my bags. 

I salted in front of the door, locked the deadbolt, and went along the windows with salt.  Afterwards, I retired back to my side of the bed and let out a long, lonely sigh.  That was, until my phone rang.

"Great," I mumbled, reaching for it.

 _Douchebag_ the caller ID lit up.

"Oh, _marvelous_!" I exclaimed before picking up the phone.

"What the fuck do you want, Crowley?"

"Now, now, love.  Is that any way to speak to your old friend?"

"Last time I checked, we're not friends, Crowley."  I laid on my back again, feeling irritable with having to put up with the King of Hell.  _Again_.

I heard him _tsk_ ing on the other line.

"So Moose and Squirrel have left you alone yet again.  Mind if I pop over there for a visit?"

"Yes.  Is there a point to this, Crowley?"  My tone was demanding.

_I wish I could bitch slap him right now._

" _Ohh_ , feelin' a little feisty, kitten?  You're making me feel all tingly in my naughty bits."

"Aside from sexually harassing me, is there another point to this call, Crowley?"

"Yes, darling, there is.  Tell that angel of yours to stay the hell away from my crossroad deals.  He's been interfering with business."

"Is that why you've been sending your goons after him?" I asked in a heated voice.

"Yes, Princess.  Give him the message.  Also, tell Cassie the next visit won't be so friendly."  He hung up on me.

"You dick," I muttered as I silenced my phone and laid it back on the bedside table.

_Sam and Dean get their share of calls from that idiot, but it feels like he calls me more than anyone._

_Half the time it's for phone sex, which he will not get._

_Yuck._

* * *

About half an hour later, when I was about to nod off, I felt a sudden weight on the bed.  I jumped, immediately reaching for the gun I tucked between the table and the bed.

"Hello, Alex," came Castiel's voice.

I sighed and released the gun, feeling relaxed.

"You scared me, Cas," I said quietly.  "Are Sam and Dean back?"

"No," he said from Sam's side of the bed.

I rubbed my eyes and looked at him; he was sitting on the bed, his legs in front of him, his trench coat off for once.

"Where's your coat?" I asked, having rarely seen him without it.

He pointed to the hideous chair near the bathroom.

"Ah," I said as I turned back to look at him.  "What're you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you.  Forgive me for startling you, and intruding when you were trying to sleep.  I'm afraid it would have been inappropriate for me to come while Sam and Dean were still here."

I turned onto my side and kept watching him.

"Castiel?"

"Yes?"  He looked down at me.

"Could I have that hug now?" I asked quietly.

"I believe that would require me to lay the way you are, and it may make you uncomfortable."

"It wouldn't make me uncomfortable."

_Please, Castiel.  Please._

He stared at me for a couple of seconds before carefully getting to the same position as me.  I felt my stomach tingle as he came closer to me and extended an arm.  I closed the space between us and buried my face into the crook of his neck, feeling the scruff on his face scratch my cheek.

"Alexandria," he said quietly, his warmth embracing every bit of me, "you smell pleasant."

_He's still so awkward.  I kind of love this._

"Thanks, Cas," I said quietly, trying to hold back a laugh.  I really didn't want to ruin the moment.

"You took your medication," he said as he relaxed against me.

"Yes.  Sam was babysitting me earlier," I said quietly, letting my right leg drape over his calf.

He tensed up for a second before relaxing again.

"I do not understand this term.  You are not an infant, and he did not sit on you."  I giggled.

_Since when do you giggle?_

"It means he was watching me like I'm a small child, and he was essentially taking care of me."

"Sam means well, Alexandria.  He's also listening to me.  Your protection is vital."

"I'm fine, Castiel."  I moved my head from his shoulder and rested it on the pillow.

He watched me, allowing my other leg to go between his.

"I do not believe most people hug this way," he said quietly.

Despite making that comment, he pressed himself against me, catching me off guard.

"They don't."

"This feels very intimate."

"I think most people do this for that reason," I said as my eyes lowered to his lips.

"I feel... strange," he said quietly.

_Dammit._

"I'm sorry. I'm making you uncomfortable, aren't I?"

"No.  A... good strange."

I wrapped my arms around him tightly and pressed my forehead to his.

"Crowley called me earlier."

"I know," Cas replied while running his hand down my side.  "I was listening." 

"Why all the crossroads stuff?"

He rested his hand on my hip, just barely touching my shorts.

"There are too many souls being taken to hell now.  Despite the orders from my brothers and sisters to step away and let fate take its course, I feel that they should have another option."

"We're a bad influence on you."  I pulled back enough to smile at him.

For a brief second, I thought he was going to smile.

"In the eyes of the angels in Heaven, yes."  We locked eyes then; our faces were inches apart, and I felt like a magnet was pulling us together.

"Alexandria?"

"Yes, Cas?"

"May I kiss you?"

"Please."

He closed the gap between us and I finally felt his lips on mine.  His beautiful, sweet lips.  Our innocent little kiss didn't last long - before I knew it, he managed to roll on top of me and had his tongue in my mouth.  I had one hand in his brown hair while the other pulled at his jacket, wishing his clothes would just fly off of him.

"Cas..." I whispered as his lips parted from mine, only to go to my neck. 

He groaned into my neck, moving his pelvis against mine.  He was nearly bursting at the seams.  I moved my hands down and placed them between us, and fought with the button on his pants.

His hand slid up my shirt and cupped my bare breast.  He moaned into my neck in between sucks and kisses.  His fingers played with my hard nipple while my hand slid into his underwear, only to grasp his erection.  Everything about him felt perfect.

* * *

"Alexandria?"

" _What_?" I shot up in bed, drenched in sweat, only to see the dark figures of my brothers standing at the foot of the bed.

_Of course it was a dream. **Of course**.  Things like that don't happen to me._

"Is something wrong?" Dean asked as he came over to my side of the bed.  "We heard you saying Cas's name.  Was he here?  Or is he sending you a message?"

"Wha..."  My eyes focused on his concerned expression.  "...no.  No, I think it's just a side effect from my medicine.  Crazy dreams.  We were at a luau and Sam was wearing a hula outfit."

Dean smirked while Sam rolled his eyes.

Dean turned to look back at Sam, then look at me.

"That'd give anyone nightmares."  He used his sleeve to wipe the sweat from my forehead.  "Go back to sleep, kiddo.  Work in the morning."

"Right," I said as he stood up and went to his bed.

I felt Sam get in on the other side and make himself comfortable on his side.  I watched Sam for a moment and felt uncomfortable, remembering how Castiel laid that way in my dreams.  Sam reached out and pressed his hand to my head.

"Get some sleep, Lex."

"You too.  Good night, Sammy."

"Good night, Alex."  He smiled at me before rolling over to face Dean's side of the room.

I turned over and faced the wall, feeling hot tears form in my eyes.  How cruel my brain was...  Give me a dream about Castiel like that, then take it all away.


	3. Research

"Rise and shine!" Sammy announced as he bounced on the bed next to me.

I groaned and turned over to look at the alarm clock.  Eleven in the morning.

"Sam, how long have you been awake?"  My voice was drowsy, my vocal cords thick from sleep.

"Couple hours."  I turned to look at him, only to find him up off the bed, fully dressed and appearing to be freshly showered, and was hit in the face a few seconds later by a purple flannel shirt, a white halter top, my denim jacket, and my loose-fitting jeans... and my "emergency" pill case.

"Dean's almost done in the bathroom.  You'll be able to take a quick shower and dress, then we gotta book it to the library."

"Yeah, and what will Dean be doing while we're researching?"  I yawned and tossed the wardrobe Sam picked out for me so I could get out of bed.

"He's going to go talk to a couple more locals.  After we find the right guy, you can post to that forum.  You're signed up, right?"  He looked over at me from the small table while he ate granola, yogurt, and fresh berries.

"Yup."  I got out of bed and stretched.  "Just need to find a guy, start spreading it around, and we'll be set.  Check mysterious deaths from 1900 - 1920?"

"It sounds like our best case for now."  Sam paused for a moment as he stared at me.  "You need to eat.  Sit down," he said as he pushed the chair across from him out with one of his long legs.

"I'm not hungry," I said with a groan.

"Alex, you need to eat.  Come on," he said while reaching into a grocery bag on the table.

"Sammy, I'm fine."

"The most important meal of the day is breakfast." He grinned at me and presented a protein shake, a cup of fresh fruits, and a couple granola bars.

"There's no winning with you, is there?" I sat down and stared at the large breakfast in front of me.

"Also, here's your water and vitamins.  Can't let my little sister get weak."

"Ha ha," I said as I swallowed my vitamins and took a quick swig of water.  "When did my life become a series of vitamins, psychiatric medication, and you guys going all _1984_ on me?"

"You know why, Lex.  Eat your breakfast."  Sam stared at me with his puppy eyes, which made me give up since there was no winning with that look.

Once I finished breakfast, Dean came out of the bathroom, wearing a suit, and immediately went after the grocery bag.

"You make sure she ate, Sam?" Dean asked as he pulled out a plastic container of bacon to heat up.

I rolled my eyes as Sam opened his mouth to respond, only to have me cut him off.

"I'm right here, Dean. I ate, I took my vitamins.  Sammy isn't abandoning his position as babysitter here," I said in a rather bitter tone.

Dean had an exasperated look on his face as he popped his bacon into the crappy, old microwave the motel was kind enough to supply us.

"Watch it, Alex.  We're doing this to make sure you stay healthy."

"So I've heard," I mumbled.

* * *

A couple hours later, after I was showered and dressed, Sammy and I went to the library to begin our hours worth of research for odd deaths in the area.  We went through death records, old newspapers dating as far back as they could go, and even checked some archives online.

"Have anything?" I asked Sam as I put away a dusty paper from 1911.

"Nothing," he said as he let out an exasperated sigh from his laptop.

I felt a warm breeze over my shoulder, and I could have _sworn_ I heard angel wings.  My head turned to where I felt eyes on me, and saw Castiel in the back of the library, lurking in a dark, fairly abandoned aisle.

"Be right back... bathroom..." I said quietly as I got up from my chair.

"Okay, Lex.  If you're starting to not feel well, just let me know," said Sam.

"Yeah, I know," I said in a more irritated voice than I intended.

* * *

"Cas," I whispered as I approached him, noticing he looked much better compared to the last time I saw him (in real life, that is).

"Hello, Alex," he said with a slight smile.

"You owe me a hug."  I smiled bashfully at him.  "That is, if you're still interested."

"Of course," he said as he opened his arms.

I immediately went into his arms and held on tight.  I let out a long breath, finally feeling the warmth and safety that always accompanied his presence.

"Crowley called me last night," I said into his chest.

"Why would he do such a thing?"  He pulled back, though he kept his hands on my arms.

"He told me to warn you to stop interfering with his crossroads deals.  He said he'll send demons far more nasty than you've been facing."

"I believe you're forgetting that I am an Angel of the Lord.  You must know I can handle them."

"They've been hurting you.  Please, Castiel... please be careful.  I'm afraid of what they could do to harm you."  I wrapped my arms around him again, tighter, not wanting to let go of this beautiful being.

"I promise I will be fine.  What are you and Sam doing here?"  He laid his hand on my head and pressed it to his chest.

"Trying to find a suspicious death to get this Tulpa weak enough to be ganked."  I paused.  "...what are you doing here, anyway?"

"I came to check on you.  I had suspicion that Crowley may have attempted to contact you, and was concerned about what he may have said.  I fear he may try to drag you into this."  I felt his head rest on mine.

"Hey," came the voice of an older woman, who made us separate immediately.  "No PDA in the library!"

"Sorry, I -" I was cut off by Castiel.

"My apologies.  An old friend," said Castiel.  "It's been a while since we've seen each other."

"And what a surprise it was to bump into each other here."  I felt myself begin to sweat as I gave the grumpy librarian a sheepish look.

Her stern look turned into a borderline sweet smile.

"You kids..." she said in a fond tone.  "Never mind . Just please avoid PDA in this library.  There is a lovely Cafe across the street if you two would like to visit with each other there."

"Thank you, ma'am.  Our apologies for disrespecting your library," I said quietly.

"Don't worry about it, dear.  You two get acquainted outside the library.  See you two later."  She smiled sweetly and walked off, limping slightly as she went out of sight.

"I should go.  Sammy is waiting for me," I whispered, feeling his hand rest on my cheek.  "Will you come see me later?  You know, so we can talk or something... if you have time..."

_God, you're so awkward._

"I will.  Promise."  Castiel hugged me again.  "I'll monitor Sam and Dean, and wait to see if they will go out.  If needed, I will still show up if they are still there.  I... want to see you more often."

I felt butterflies in my stomach and gave him a shy smile.

"I'd like that."  I looked down at my feet, only to feel him raise my chin to look up into his beautiful, sapphire eyes.

"I would like that, too."  He smiled at me and rested his forehead against mine.

"See you later, then?" I asked quietly.

"Promise," he said as he pulled back from me.

_Come on.  Just do it._

_What if he finds it weird?_

_There's always that risk.  Just go for it._

I leaned up and gave his scruffy cheek a quick kiss.  He looked taken aback, and merely stared at me.

"Alex," he said quietly.  "We... will need to talk about that, as well as some of your dreams."

_Oh no..._

_Is he always in my head?_

"I'm sorry if that made you uncomfortable.  I promise those weren't my intentions," I quickly apologized.

"That is not it," he said quietly.  "We will speak later.  Go back to Sam."

"Yeah, alright.  I'll see you later."

Just as I turned around, I felt him grab me and give me a gentle, warm kiss on my forehead.

"Wha-?"

He winked and disappeared.

_Angels..._

* * *

"Hey, took you long enough," Sam teased as I took a seat next to him at the table.

"Sorry.  I had to freshen up."

"Don't worry about it, Lex.  Besides, I got our guy."

"What?  Let me see!"

He smiled at me as he pushed his laptop towards me.  Old newspaper archives, one issue in particular seemed to stand out - April of 1918.

"Andrew Boyd?" I asked quietly as I scanned the article.

"So get this - he killed his daughters, followed by a small string of murders with local town prostitutes, before he was murdered by a mob.  He was never cremated."  Sam grinned.  "I think Andrew Boyd is our 'boogeyman.'"

"Looks like.  Let's get back to the motel so I can start typing this crap up."  I coped the webpage into a document and saved it to Sam's laptop.

"Let's get out of here.  I've spent too much damn time in libraries," I said as I packed up his laptop and grabbed my backpack.

"You got it.  Come on - Dean texted and told me to pick you up lunch.  We'll stop at the store real quick, then head back.  Deal?"

I groaned after getting my backpack on and gave him a dull look.

"I'm not hungry, Sammy."

"You need a regular eating schedule, Lex."  He walked past me and gently bumped my shoulder.  "Come on.  My treat."

"More like Harold Schmitt's treat."  I snickered at the fake credit card he used at the time.

"Him too."


	4. Angel Blue

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

I groaned from the bed as I logged into my account to post the tragic tale of old Andrew Boyd, who murdered his daughters and was ganked by the mob.  Of course, the story required a few changes to really sell it...

"Why is your username _AngelBlue_?" Sammy asked as he leaned over my shoulder to look at my monitor.

I closed the lid on my laptop and glared at him.

"It's a song.  Besides, you guys are the ones making me do this."

_Because it definitely has nothing to do with dreamy Castiel and his beautiful blue eyes..._

"Sure, Alex."  Sam winked and sat next to me on the bed.  "Alright, recap what you're writing on here."

I opened the laptop lid again and logged in.

"Watch and learn how to tell a story, Sammy."  I grinned at him.

He chortled.

"You're joking, right?  Dean and I have been 'telling stories' since before you were born."

"That means nothing. I have a natural talent." I clicked into the thread about the Portland Boogeyman.

" _Hey guys. I did some research in local history, and I found something really interesting. There was a man named Andrew Boyd, who had three daughters, and murdered them one night. There is also suspicion he may have killed his own wife too, as she died from suspicious cause._

" _Andrew Boyd had connections to a mob family from Sicily at the time, and was cheated out of money the Falcone family owed him for small jobs he did for them. As revenge, he began to murder prostitutes the Falcones had working for them; this continued over the course of six months before Boyd murdered the head of the Falcone crime family's wife._

" _The following night, his body was found outside of Portland. When questioned, many locals said he was known to abuse women, and seemed to detest them. It seems Boyd's vengeful attitude towards women hasn't died with him, and he's still preying on women today._

" _One of the all-telling signs, some older residents of the city once said, was that the women were always strangled with chains. His old home on North Williams Avenue is said to have dozens of bodies buried beneath the basement, but police never checked into the reports._ "

"Very interesting, Alex," Sam said as soon as I finished typing. "What do you think - give it a couple of days, see how many hits your post gets, and we'll go from there?"

I smiled at him. "I think it sounds like a plan."

The motel door opened and Dean came in with another grocery bag, looking irritated.

"Can you believe this place? This place is full of frickin' hipsters, with their hemp salads and gluten-free everything! They didn't even have _pie_ at the store!" He tossed a chef's salad at Sam.

Dean seemed to then notice me with the laptop in my lap, watching him with a cocked eyebrow.

_Dean, how do you not have diabetes from all the burgers, pie, and beer you consume..._

"Kiddo," he said as he came over to the bed and gave me a hug, "did you post that story about our guy?"

"Yep," I said as he let go of me. "Boyd's ties to the mob went sour, he went on a killing spree and ganked the wrong chick, and he was out of the game. Now we just wait."

"Great. Stuck in a motel room for a couple of days," Dean said in an annoyed tone as he went back to the bag of groceries. "And it doesn't even have a vibrating bed!"

"Not that again, Dean," Sam said with an eye roll as he opened his salad container.

"We could always check out the Black-Eyed Kids legend and see if that pans out. I saw an old thread in this forum about them an-" I was cut off by Dean tossing me four _Walgreens_ prescription bags.

An annoyed groan escaped my lips.

"Black-Eyed Kids are demons. You know that, Alex," said Dean as he took out a bag of fast food.

" _Really_ , Dean? You guys get food tonight, and I just get pills that make me half sick?" I asked in an annoyed tone.

_They won't starve you. You know that. He's trying to help._

_Don't throw pills at me right off the bat and undermine my thoughts on something to do to pass the time!_

Dean rolled his eyes. "Can you chill for a second while I get your food? I'm not Mr. Belvedere."

"Oh, Nyles!" I said in my best Fran Drescher voice. "Can you tell Maxwell I'll be waiting for him in his office? My cousin, Frita, has the best makeover idea for Maggie!"

"Oh, can it with that _Nanny_ crap." Dean walked over with a bowl of chili for me. "Extra spicy, just the way you like it," he said as he gave me a kiss on the head before going to his bag of fastfood, which consisted of a large burger, fries, and a soft drink.

"You know it's one of my favorite shows!" I whined.

"We know," Sam and Dean said in unison.

"Mr. Sheffield!" I exclaimed, causing my brothers to glare at me.

* * *

 

A little after nine that night, the police scanner we set up in our room was going crazy with messages from local officers and dispatchers.

" _Dispatch to all units, we have an Amber Alert on a fifteen-year-old black girl. Name: Taylor Knight. Height is five-five, weight is one hundred and fifteen pounds. Victim was last seen wearing a red hooded shirt, light-colored denim jeans, and white sneakers. Victim was last seen outside her house on Siskiyou Street._ "

The dispatcher repeated her message.

" _10-4, dispatch_ ," came a male officer's voice.

"Think it's our guy?" Sam asked as he turned the scanner up, only to get feedback in return.

"Possibly. Let's ride it out a little," said Dean.

After ten more minutes of listening to the police communicating with dispatch, Sam and Dean decided to roll out.

"Salt the door and windows. We'll be back as soon as possible," Dean said as he pulled on his coat. "Make sure everything is locked."

"I know Dean," I said as I rolled my eyes.

_He really needs to learn when to back off._

"I'm just trying to keep you safe," said Dean as he opened the door. "Don't leave the room."

"Yeah, yeah," I grumbled.

After salting the doors and windows, I heard the flutter of angel wings and felt Castiel's warm presence behind me.

"Hello, Alex," he said, sounding a little closer behind me than usual.

"Cas," I said quietly, letting out a sigh of relief. "I don't know how long T.J. Hooker and MacGuiver will be gone."

"A while. The police calls are false," he responded. "You were the only ones to hear the Amber Alert."

"I'm pretty sure this is illegal somehow." I turned and faced him, only to see a bruise on his cheek, and a cut near his eyebrow. "You had it out with a Crossroads again."

"Alex, we need to discuss your dreams... Your most recent dream, in particular."

I dropped my head before flopping down on a bed. "I don't understand them, Castiel. Besides, by aren't you using your angel mojo on Dean to make him less cranky?"

"While Dean and I do share a profound bond... he is following orders from me as well. You know how stubborn he is."

"I'm aware," I grumbled.

I felt Castiel sit next to me on the bed.

_Sounds like your dream._

"Alex, do you have romantic feelings towards me?" he asked.

I didn't need to look at him - I could feel his eyes piercing through my soul.

"You're the celestial being. You tell me," I responded in a snarky tone.

_Stop. It's Castiel. You would go to hell for him and you're being rude to him._

"I feared something like this would happen," he said slowly. "When we met, I recognized you were a beautiful girl. Your soul, broken as it is, is beautiful."

I opened my eyes, only to be met with his.

"When you became a woman, I... could feel myself having inappropriate feelings for you. It is sin for an angel to be with a human."

I remained silent.

"Your dream intrigued me. I could feel everything I did to you in it. It is something I do not understand."

"I don't get it either, Cas." I felt my face burn a little. "I mean, do you _have_ to pry into my dreams, or was this something you angels just pick up on?"

"I'm unsure. I have not heard the others speak of such things in the eons of time I've been around."

I sat up next to him and felt my arm brush against his trench coat.

"Kissing you," he started slowly, "in your dream... it felt like fate."

I stared at him with semi-wide eyes.

"Castiel, how long have you been able to see into my dreams?"

"Since I became an angel again," he responded, his eyes wandering from my eyes to my lips. "Alexandria, I have to admit, I am curious about kissing you."

_Take me now._

_He might be able to hear your thoughts._

"Likewise," I replied, feeling our lips gravitating toward each other.

"My father would not approve of this," he said quietly.

"I don't think he'd approve of about anything, to be fair."

My dream after several years became a reality: we kissed. It was slow - soft and sweet, and his auora was that of innocence. We remained that way for nearly a minute, just to know the feeling of each others' lips.

I felt myself lowering to my back with Castiel coming down with me. I wasn't sure who pulled whom down, but I did know one thing: I was ready to rip off his clothes and feel him inside me.

_You're kissing him for the first time and you're already considering sex with him... You need to straighten out your priorities._

"Alexandria," he said quietly, his body pressing against mine. "This feels very much like your dream."

"Yes, it does," I said before kissing his lips again.

"This is too fast," he said as he pulled away far enough to look at me. "This... This could even put us both in danger."

"We stopped the apocalypse before. Something like this seems less threatening than the end of the world."

"That is a fair point." He sighed quietly. "Alexandria, I'm not sure I can do this."

I pushed myself away from him and and stood up.

_What?_

"Cas, last time I checked, your dad hasn't been around in thousands of years. You can't even find him. If this feels right for the both of us, then why _not_?"

He sat up and watched me, his eyes seeming to be filled with regret.

"The demons or angels may come for you. There's a chance I may not be able to save you, Alex. I can't risk losing you... not again," he said, his final words spoken in almost a whisper.

"So instead you just decided to put out a fake Amber Alert to get my brothers out of here, kiss me, give me a sense of hope that you feel the same, then tell me we need to ignore our feelings? What the hell, Cas? This is some _Twilight_ shit."

"Alex, I -" he began as he stood up.

"No, in fact, this _is_ like _Twilight_. Between your perfect self and me being a lifeless corpse, and our world being surrounded by vamps and any other ugly thing to walk this planet, I might as well be Bella Swann."

"Alex -" I cut him off again.

"This is like some stupid teen drama show. What's next? A group of geeks in a Glee club are going to show up to interpret our little story through song and dance?"

I felt my rage. Sure, I was overreacting. Then again, Castiel wasn't really in the right either.

"Alexandria," he said, his power seeming to grow a little stronger as he approached me.

"I must keep you safe. Sam and Dean are humans and can't keep you going on odd medicines for the rest of your life. I do not know how to cure you right now."

I finally noticed his hands were gripping my arms.

"Couldn't one little touch to my head with your angel mojo fix it?"

"Sadly, no. It requires more. That's... why I'm speaking to crossroad demons. I have tried to summon Crowley out of desperation, and he ignored me."

"Just text him. He always replies," I said nonchalantly.

He stared at me with a serious look.

"He's not in my contacts."

_This is almost comical._

I pulled away from him and sat down at the small table near Sam's and my bed.

"I can't be saved, Cas. You know it, I know, hell, even God probably knows it. It'll either be this job or at my own hand when my life will end. Either way, I really don't give a rat's ass any more."

Castiel approached me again; I held my hand out, keeping him (literally) at arm's distance.

"Go," I said as I looked down at the table. "Just... go. Watch over my brothers. I experience enough emotional distress. I don't need you adding to the list."

"Alexandria -"

" _Go_!" I exclaimed as I slammed my fists down on the table, hearing a small _crack_ in one hand.

"Your finger is broken," Castiel said. "Please, Alex, let me fix it."

"No. Just go away, Cas. Watch over my brothers. I don't want you around me."

I felt my insides burn as soon as those words left my mouth. There was a moment of silence before I heard the flap of angel wings and an ice-cold chill run through me. My hand throbbed and began to swell.

_Great. I broke my damn pinky finger._

_Worst of all, you may have just lost the one person who was always on your side._


	5. Son Of A Bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello, readers! Please know that this is very important for me to explain the sort of "purpose" I've found in writing this story.... My goal is to have people understand how devastating mental illness can be, and why spreading awareness is truly important. While this is still very much a love story between Castiel and Alex, it's also touching base on the difficulties of trying to experience love and life while your mind is telling you to give up on anything good before it can blossom.
> 
> Everyone experiences an illness differently - Alex's illnesses are based on my own, and her actions are a reflection of my past. It seems in our society, we are all just starting to open up about depression and anxiety, but there aren't many people talking about Bipolar Disorder. This is an insight into what it's like (for me, and possibly others), and is written to the best of my ability.
> 
> The confusion in regards to Castiel and Alex's past relationship is intentional, and so are the "wtf is happening" chapters, because it's part of the show. Please give this story a chance beyond the preachy mental illness awareness - it's a goal to get people curious enough to look into it, or to realize they're not alone in their own struggle. Again, this is still Alex and Castiel's story. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading, and if you continue reading, I am very thankful for your time. If you or a loved one are struggling with an illness, remember that you are not alone, and to always keep fighting.

"Alex? Alexandria? Alex, why are you staring at the wall like that?"

I snapped out of my trance and saw Castiel staring at me with a mixed look of confusion and worry.

"Sorry, what?" I asked as I mentally slapped myself. "What were you saying?"

"The Crossroads demons," he said in his typical, serious tone. "I just informed you that I saved two souls tonight, and killed the demon possessing the human involved in both deals. He... was more of a challenge than I anticipated."

_Of course you just made up a batshit tale in your head. Of course nothing happened. You could walk out here naked and Castiel would have no clue why you were without clothes._

_Surely he'd understand a little better after being human, though..._

_You would think. And don't call me Shirley._

"Want me to heal that for yo- or you could do that..." I grumbled as I saw the wounds disappear before my eyes. "Damn angels."

I walked away from him and sat down on my bed.

"Alexandria, what is troubling you right now? Your energy is usually better when we speak."

That confused look appeared on his overly handsome face again.

_Damn it. Damn it all! Why can't my head be pulled from my ass and stay on my shoulders where it belongs?_

_**Worthless.** _

"Just my head," I responded. "Voices - yay."

He lowered himself in front of me and stared at me.

"You are hearing voices again? What are they saying?"

_Castiel is hot. I love you Castiel. Castiel, will you please marry me, despite you not even being a human? Castiel, you're sexy, let's just seal the deal. God dammit, kiss me._

"...nothing too alarming." I paused for a moment, glancing down at his lips briefly, and decided lying to an angel would be a smart move. "Just hearing it say that Sam thinks I'm a burden, and Dean wishes Dad left me in that old house when I was a kid."

He furrowed his brow at me.

"You are lying, Alexandria."

"Lying?" I replied as he sat next to me. "Cas, you know I hear these things. You know my soul fairly well."

_Don't tremble. Don't do it._

"I'm well aware of your history of mental illness, Alexandria. I can see your soul, but that does not mean I _know_ it."

I paused for a second, trying to straighten out everything he was saying while my thoughts were rushing, and there _was_ another voice in my head.

_**He will never love you.** _

_That_ voice scared me. Since being on medication, it was fairly dormant most of the time, but when it would appear... Some days I desperately wished to be brain-dead at the very least. _Anything_ was better than hearing that voice.

"I'm trying to make sense of what you're saying," said in a frustrated tone before I laid on my back.

I felt his baby blues burn into me.

"Would you like some rest?" He held two fingers over my forehead before I could blink.

I pushed his hand away and groaned.

"No. And don't ask me about my medication! I took all five-hundred pills!"

"I wasn't about to. I know you took it," he said as he remained still. "And there were not five-hundred, Alexandria, that is quite an exaggeration."

_**You're a piece of shit. You should have died before your whore mother gave birth to you.** _

_Shut up!_

_**Kill yourself. You are worthless. Just die already. Why won't you die? Are you so pathetic that you're too scared to just do it already?** _

"I'm sure you're thinking about why I can't make it go away," he said suddenly, which caught my attention and pulled me away (momentarily) from the icy grip the voice had on me.

"Beg pardon?" I sat up and stared at him, both curious about what he had to say, and in need of admiring his physical features.

"I can't touch your head and take the voices away. I do not have that kind of power." He was silent for a moment before adding, "However, if there was a way... I would do it immediately."

"Need that third hunter in case one of my brothers bite the dust permanently?" My tone was snide, and my temper was kicking in.

_**Hate. You will never feel love. You will only be this: Alone.** _

_Stop. Just stop. I can't handle it any more._

_**Mercy is for those worthy of life.** _

_I don't want to live. I'm tired._

_**You don't deserve to live. End it all as soon as he leaves.** _

"Alexandria, you know very well that I do not think of you like that," Castiel said in a stern tone. "You are important to me - to Dean and Sam. Unfortunately, I can't make you believe me. I will just need to have faith that one day you will believe my feelings are true."

"Feelings..." I muttered, "know what I'm feeling? _Tired_. I'm tired of Sam praying every night to someone who might be dead, I'm tired of the other angels and their crap in Heaven, I'm tired of the demons, and I'm goddamn _sick_ and tired of the King of Hell sexting me every other day." I let out an angry huff and flopped on my back. "I don't think you mean it, Cas."

"What do you know of _my_ feelings?" Castiel asked as his weight shifted on the bed.

_**He's using you. Lies. All lies. He's going to have you locked away.** _

"You probably have very _few_ , to begin with." My voice was thick with snark.

"This is untrue. I gained what others would call 'empathy' before I lost my Grace, and after that I began to have a better understanding of human emotions. I care about you very deeply, Alexandria."

He was staring down at me. I felt my chest tighten, and felt my stomach churn. The voices were running wild in my mind.

_**He lies.** _

_Stop. Just stop it!_

_**He's going to use you like a puppet.** _

_No... Not Castiel._

_**It's not Castiel. Castiel will never care about you. Nobody will ever care about you. You should kill yourself.** _

_I've been trying. I can't do it. I feel like such a waste of human flesh._

_**Donate your meatsuit to the demons. You'll be fun to torture in hell.** _

"Yeah, I'm sure, Cas," was all I said as I looked away from him, only to be met with the nauseating color of the walls.

"Maybe you do not believe me right now..." he said slowly, "But one day, I hope you will. I will wait for you."

"What will you do if I never believe you? Or when I die?"

I looked at him in enough time to see him stare intently into my eyes.

"You will know the truth when you die. You are meant to live a very long life, Alexandria. Please do not try to take your own. My father did not create humanity to watch you torture yourselves and take your own lives."

"He sure did a piss-poor job, then." I got up from the bed and walked across the room, feeling an itch to get out of the motel for a while and feel the brisk air on my skin.

I felt Castiel's warm glow hug me as soon as he was behind me.

"Lack of faith in my father still being alive or not, at least know that it hurts to watch you go through this."

I snorted as he spoke.

"Hurts? It hurts _me_ to exist. How does your father feel about that? How do _you_ feel about that?" I turned around and faced him.

"Like someone is repeatedly stabbing my heart."

His eyes bore into me, and all I could do was just stand there like an imbecile and stare back.

_**Lies. All lies. This is manipulation. Castiel is a divine being - you're a piece of garbage human. You will never feel love.** _

_I feel so stupid. I feel so useless. Why couldn't Dad have just left me to die? Why did I have to meet Castiel and feel this way?_

_**Your feelings aren't real. It's all made up, just like everything you're experiencing. You're nuts. You parade around, thinking you're in love with him, and you're not. You will never understand love. You will never BE loved.** _

"D... Don't you have a Christmas tree to sit on or something?" I muttered as I turned away from him.

"Alexandria, plea-" I cut Castiel off as his arm touched my hand.

"Go, Cas. Please. Just go." I took his hand off of my arm, and felt my insides freeze.

I turned away from him and crossed my arms over my chest, as if I were a small child who was just denied the last cookie. There was dead silence - you could have dropped a piano in the room and nobody would have bat an eye to it.

_**Your analogies are pathetic. Just like you.** _

_Please, just shut up._

"Alex, know that I'm always here. I will be here whenever you need me."

I rolled my eyes, feeling nothing but anger at absolutely nothing and exhaustion from waking up.

"Save the soap opera lines, Cas. See you later."

I felt a hand go on my shoulder before his warmth disappeared, and I was left with a cold, empty room.

* * *

 

Sam and Dean were back about five minutes after Castiel vanished. They complained about being sent on a wild goose chase, and desperately wanted some rest. Sam was the first to head to bed, and seemed to fall asleep almost immediately. Dean had the entire firearm collection out and said they needed to be cleaned.

"May I help?" I asked as I sat across from him.

He shook his head.

"Nope," was his response.

I scoffed. "Why not? I used to help you with these all the time. Hell, Bobby said I'm better at cleaning them out than _you_."

Dean rolled his eyes and sat his gun on the table.

"Why not? Because I don't want my little sister to stare down the barrel of a fucking _gun_ and 'accidentally' let it go off in her face." His green eyes were intense with stress and exhaustion.

"Ye of little faith," I responded as I tried to reach for a shotgun.

He grabbed my arm and pushed it back, causing me to lose my balance and tip on my side on the bed. Fortunately, I didn't wake Sam. Unfortunately, that just pissed me off.

"The hell was that for?" I sat up and glared at him.

"I said _no_ , Alex. Go to sleep. It's been a shit day, I can tell you're not doing very well, and I _don't_ want you getting hurt."

_**He doesn't care. He doesn't want a mess to clean up.** _

"Maybe I'd do a little better if I actually felt _useful_." I stood up and stared down at him, crossing my arms in the process.

Dean rested his head in his hand and raked his fingers through his hair.

"Christ, kiddo, you're killin' me here," he mumbled. "You _are_ being useful. You're working the Internet side, and we're going to catch it. What's the latest on our guy, anyway?"

"He's buried in Hillside Cemetery, he was plugged by the mafia, blah blah. Just waiting on people to take the bait."

He stared at me and lowered his hand to rest on his gun.

"See? Useful. Leave the rest to me and Sam. You need to get better before you can get back in the game here."

I let out a loud enough groan to make Sam stir.

"You've been saying that for a _year_ , Dean. Let it go already! Jesus Christ."

I felt my hands shake and go ice-cold as my temper flared up.

"Let what go? My sister laying on the bedroom floor with her wrists cut all to hell? Is _that_ what you want me to let go of? I sure as hell can't forget something like that happened, Alex." His voice was getting louder.

"Has it occurred to you two that maybe I'm _sick_ of being treated like an infant? That being cooped up in a shitty motel room makes me miserable? That never being able to actually be part of the family business bothers me? I'm not a delicate little buttercup here, Dean!" My voice was louder than his.

I heard Sam sit up in the bed.

"What's going on?" he asked in a groggy voice. "What's with the shouting?"

I turned on my heel and grabbed my coat, and made my way toward the door.

_**Take a long walk off a short pear.** _

"Alex!" Sam exclaimed as I heard his weight hit the floor and him charge after me. "Alex, no! You're not leaving."

"Here, Sam," Dean said as he tossed the keys to the Impala at him. "You take her back to the bunker. She's not stable enough to work this case."

_**You're going to be committed. They might even disown you.** _

"What?" Sam asked as he got in front of me to block the door. "Dean, we _need_ Alex. She's probably having a bad night. You shouting at her isn't going to help anything."

_**He's in on it.** _

"Oh, and what? Your mother bear routine is working so damn perfect? Look at her! She's a mess! If you don't take her to the bunker, I'm calling for Cas."

"No!" I said immediately.

I felt my brothers stare at me. Dean looked bewildered.

" _No_? Kid, what _is_ it with you and Cas? You two always got along, and now the mere mention of his name has you freaked out. You piss him off or something?"

"Dean," Sam said as he put his hands on my shoulders, "you know Alex and Castiel wouldn't have hard feelings between each other."

"Then what kind of feelings are there?" Dean sat back in his chair, reminding me too much of Dad.

"None of your business," I replied in the most childish voice possible. "You two like to keep things from me. Maybe it's time something about myself was kept personal."

"No can do," said Dean. "I think this case really is wearing on you. I know all those girls disappearing is getting to you, and look, I get it. It's better for you that you go home so we can finish this."

I snorted. " _Home_? We have no 'home,' Dean. The bunker is just a hunter's lair."

Dean slammed his fist on the table, causing me to jump and Sam to hold on to me a little tighter.

"Dean, cut it out. You're acting like a jackass. Lay off of Alex. She's not going anywhere."

Dean was silent for a minute as he stared at us, looking all kinds of pissed.

"She's your responsibility, Sam. Don't forget that," was all Dean said.

Dean picked up Sam's gun and started cleaning it, ignoring us and going into his own little world. Sam patted me on the shoulder, and guided me to the bed farthest away from Dean. I was no longer shaking, though my anger remained.

"Let's try to get some rest, Alex. There's work to be done tomorrow." Sam wrapped me up in his arms and held me tight, which was rather annoying since half the time I didn't appreciate being touched.

_**Do it soon. Die. Just save your medication and wait it out. It won't take much longer before you can do it.** _

_I wish I was never born..._


	6. Distance

"Alex?" I heard pounding on the bathroom door. "Alex, are you going to come out soon? You've been in there for twenty minutes."

Sam was bugging me for the third time that day to come out and socialize with him. Dean was out questioning some people, and Sam wanted to distract me with "fun" activities.

**_Like locking you away._ **

"Do you want me to call Cas? He always seems to get through to you," Sam suggested.

"No," I said firmly. "I don't want to see Cas. I don't want to see Dean, and I don't want to see you."

I heard Sam sigh outside the door.

"I'll just give you a little more time," was his response before I heard his footsteps away from the door.

I rolled my eyes and leaned back against the bathtub, being able to barely see in the bathroom since I kept one small light above the vanity on, and had only the light from my laptop screen. Too much light hurt my eyes, my skin, gave me headaches... it was too much.

I was on that ridiculous forum to see if there were any bites on the Andrew Boyd case - luckily, there were. Dozens at the very least.

 **McG** : _Yeah, I heard he was involved in the mob. Hell of a temper and a drinker_.

 **JaredP** : _That explains why he goes after girls. I feel bad for old lady Falcone biting the dust like that._

 **ChuckLarsen** : _Anyone check out the old house? It's super creepy. Looks like a broken-down farmhouse in a horror movie._

 **Ghostfacers-phan** : _I totally wanna go check it out!!_

"Good. You suckers are eating this up like hungry dogs. Time for my 'update'...." I muttered as my fingers began to fly across my keyboard.

 **AngelBlue** : _Hey guys, just wanted to update you all on Andrew Boyd. My friend saw his ghost last night and it really spooked her. She went near his old house, and saw that he couldn't leave the front porch. She thinks someone's working voodoo on him and keeping him there._

Of course that was all horse shit, but to make it easier to kill the son of a bitch, the better. The kids on the forum were gullible, and it couldn't be too hard to keep them eating the story.

After I posted my response, I wandered over to a writing blog I kept track of. I enjoyed reading fanfictions from time to time because, y'know, reality sucked. I enjoyed stories about the Tenth Doctor from Doctor Who and Rose Tyler, and even wrote one myself when I was about sixteen. I never posted it, and I sure as hell never let my brothers know about my liking of fanfiction and my own writing.

I visited other sites where people posted their own original content, as I did like to support other 'underground' writers. Some had funding accounts, and to a select few I did donate a little money (well, it was Dean's money, but he never knew what happened to it). The thought of Dean made me see a flash of red and nearly threw my laptop at the putrid orange toilet.

**_He's going to lock you away. He's going to sell your soul. Remember Yellow-Eyes? He can bring him back._ **

_Shut up. He can't. Azazel is dead. Dean won't sell my soul._

**_He has some powerful connections._ **

My attention was taken away from the voices when I heard fucking Crowley outside the door, talking to Sam.

"Oh come on, Moose, just let me get a peek at her. I'm sure a visit from uncle Crowley would cheer her up." His voice was cocky and perverted.

"Fuck off, Crowley," was my response.

"See?" Sam replied. "You're just going to piss her off more, Crowley. Why don't you get out of here before I exorcise you?"

Crowley chuckled.

"Oh, Moosey, like you could do that. Since you kicked the demon blood, you haven't a chance against _me_. Besides, who wouldn't want to see the King of Hell?"

"A person with a functioning brain?" I responded, closing my laptop and sitting on the edge of the bathtub.

"Tsk, tsk. You should be more respectful, darling. You could end up in a special place with me as your ruler one day."

"I'd rather go to Purgatory than your wimpy Hell, Crowley. Don't you have some people to go torture?" I called out, rocking back and forth on the edge of the tub.

"Ah." Crowley paused. "I do need to get back. My damned mother could be out there somewhere trying to have me killed. Toodles, sweetcheeks," was his adu.

I heard Sam sigh outside the door.

"You sure you don't want to come out? I'm sure Dean won't be back for, like, three hours. You know he likes to go grab something to drink."

"Just leave me alone, Sam," was all I could say, feeling tears well up in my eyes as I felt self-pity.

"Let me know if you need anything," he said in a sad tone before his footsteps made their way to the other side of the room.

* * *

 

Half an hour passed before I felt a wave of warmth wash over me, only to have Castiel sitting next to me on the tub. I let out an annoyed groan.

"What are you doing here?" I snapped.

"I'm worried about you, Alex." I felt his eyes bore into me. "You are in a dangerous mindset. You need to go home and rest."

"Dean put you up to this, didn't he?" I crossed my arms over my chest.

"No. You know that Dean and Sam are under _my_ orders for your care. You are getting worse. Your soul is weakening."

"What the hell does that even mean? I told you I don't want to see you, anyway." My voice was still snippy.

"Alex, I wish you did not feel that way. This isn't you speaking."

"The hell you mean this isn't me speaking? Sure as hell is." I scowled at him in the dim lighting, trying to ignore the pull to look into his beautiful baby blues.

"It is not. As I said, your soul is weakening-" I cut him off.

"What does that even mean? My soul 'weakening.'"

He let out a faint sigh.

"It means you are slowly dying. Your body will continue on, but you will be left with little to-no-soul. I believe humans call it apathy."

"So I could go soulless like Sam a couple years back?" I tipped my head to the side, the idea appealing to me.

"Essentially. It is not as pleasant as you would think. When your body dies, you will have nowhere to go. You and your brothers are destined to go to Heaven, despite what those voices are telling you."

I suddenly clamped down on my ears as loud static erupted in the room. I fell to my knees and let out a cry. I had a sharp headache, and felt partially deaf from the static.

"Alex? What's going on in there? Alex! Let me in!" Sam exclaimed.

The last thing I remembered was Castiel touching my forehead and making me sleep, the static vanishing, and my body going into a restful state.

* * *

 

I awoke several hours later to see Sam and Castiel in the room, Sam sitting next to me on the bed, and Castiel in the chair. I groaned and turned away from them.

"Cas told me what happened," said Sam. "Have you been missing your doses?"

"No," I lied, feeling thankful that Dean wasn't there.

"I recommend getting her home and having her see a doctor before it's too late," Castiel said as he stood up from his seat. "She's going to become what you once were, Sam."

Sam gave the angel a look of confusion.

"What do you mean?"

"As I explained to Alex, her soul is weakening. Eventually, it will become so fragile that it will diminish. She will be apathetic, and will become a different person. It's time she sees a doctor."

"Dean said to take her home a couple of nights ago. Should I have listened?" Sam asked in a worried tone.

"Yes. He was praying to me, and I gave him the answers. Send Alex home immediately, or I will." He stood face-to-face (sort of) with Sam, looking threatening. "You and Dean can finish this case instead of using your ill sister for bait, and I can ensure her health."

_I get no say in this?_

I glanced at the clock and noticed it was nine at night. Andrew Boyd would be lurking out and about. I looked back at Sam and Castiel, who seemed to be bickering about what to do with me, and I quietly tip-toed to the door and grabbed my jacket, which had all I needed to bait and lure out Andrew Boyd. I quietly closed the motel door behind me, and sprinted off to where the home of Andrew Boyd was located.


	7. Andrew Boyd

I walked the dark, lonely road to _Hillside Cemetery_ , which was on the other side of town from our sleazy motel. Fog was rolling in, and there was a cold mist of rain hitting my jacket and my dark hair I kept back in a ponytail. I shivered as I dodged out of sight from any on-coming traffic (especially the police. Given it wasn't the biggest town, there had to be one or two Barney Fifes wandering around), and groaned when I lost focus of what I was doing and had one car splash me, making me flip them off as I picked up my pace into a jog.

  
It was hard to keep up like I used to - I lacked so much energy. I did lose some of my strength, and I wasn't as fast. It annoyed me how medications that were supposed to 'help' me made me weak, and made me too tired to do anything. It felt like a vicious circle.

Halfway to the cemetery, I stopped dead in my tracks and let out a loud, annoyed yell. I forgot a fucking shovel - the one main, normal thing one would bring to dig up Boyd's bones. I checked my surroundings - I was [conveniently] in an area were there were a few stores. Most were closed, leaving a few convenience stores open. It was unlikely they would sell a shovel, but I knew there was a Wal-Mart nearby, just a few blocks out of my way.  
Out of all the years, I only visited a Wal-Mart maybe twice in my life. The first time was Dad taking us there on our way back from a job to pick out a Christmas present, though it had to stay within a certain budget. Sammy and I bought cheap toy guns, while Dean picked out a clearance-sale shirt for Dad.

I frowned at the memory of Dean being the only one to give something to Dad, despite Sammy and I always thinking how crappy it was for him to not let us celebrate Christmas, let alone even be there. We didn't care much about the presents; we just wanted our dad there. I shook off the bad feeling and tried to rid my mind of the negative crap from the past - Dad was gone for several years at that point, so there was no need to dwell.  
As I rounded a corner and avoided some shady-looking women hanging out by a street light, I smiled a bit at the memory of Sam and I playing with our toy guns. He was a fair deal older than me, but he'd indulge my childish behavior. When I was with my brothers, he always looked out for me, and he never complained. He probably regretted me being around by that time - I became nothing short of a burden for the world, and couldn't act normal enough to be on my own.  
I saw the bright lights of the smaller Wal-Mart store - I had to be a block away, and I could see how massive the parking lot was. It was fairly empty, but that was to be expected on a week night. I felt a little excited to go there - my third trip!  
After running half the distance, I slowed down to a fast-paced walk. I remembered the other time we stopped there - well, rather me and Bobby. He took me on a hunting job when I was about fifteen and he ran short on salt. We stopped there to buy up piles of it, and he let me get a nice jacket I spotted in the Junior section.

"You're always stuck wearin' your brothers' hand-me-downs. It's time you picked something you like, Lex," he said to me.

I was able to pick out a turquoise wind-breaker (that was a whopping seven dollars) with white stripes going down the sleeves. Dad was all kinds of pissed when I showed up a few weeks later with that on, for what reason I never knew because it was a very modest jacket. Sam said it looked nice on me.

I still had that jacket, though it was back at the Bunker where I kept more precious things, as few as the three of us had. My jacket and the toy gun were the only two materialistic items I saved - the rest were only five photographs that I kept in frames on the wall next to my bed, one on my bedside table, and one in the drawer.

* * *

As soon as I entered the store, I was met with an overwhelming scent of people, cheap products, and dying souls from the horrid line of retail work. I squinted my eyes from the bright flourescent lights, and immediately covered my ears when I heard young children screaming (seriously, who brings toddlers out that late?).

I received a few stares as I wandered around an area with St. Patrick's Day party materials and the Office Supplies section that was across from the Party Goods. I kept my ears covered and my eyes half-closed, feeling disoriented from the sensory overload.

_**They're going to call the police. You're going to go to an asylum. Remember those spirits years ago in that asylum? That will be you.** _

I shook my head, trying to get the harsh voice out of my head. I heard a few people passing by me remark that I must be drunk or crazy. I repeatedly slapped the side of my head as I trotted back by the gardening area, where I quickly found a spade shovel. I had just enough money to buy it (I didn't use the five-finger discount as often as Dean), and hurried out of the store.

* * *

As soon as I left, I leaned over a bench outside the store and threw up. I knew it was coming - I could feel the one meal I ate that day swarming in my guts and wanting to crawl up my throat. After I emptied my stomach, I sat on the bench for a short time to steady my shaking body. The medications made me feel like I had the flu quite often, so ralphing and fevers weren't uncommon.

I gave myself a few minutes before I forced myself back on the trail to the cemetery. My mind wandered back to the past, which was often a dangerous deal for my brain, and thought of Sam smiling at me in the back of the Impala when I was about six years old. We were playing Red Hands, and he'd always let me win. Dean would get after Sammy if he heard him smack my hands a little too hard, which never really bothered me.

Dean... he was always overprotective. If he caught me wrestling with Sam, he'd yell at us because I could get hurt. He reminded me of Dad quite often, so our relationship was never the greatest. Sam and Dean would always have a special bond despite their differences, which I understood. It didn't change how left out I always felt - I wanted to be part of their bond; hell, I wanted Dean to accept me as much as he accepted Sammy.

Dad didn't really want to deal with training me to hunt, so I did stay a fair deal with Bobby. Bobby was like a Dad to me, except he taught me how to hunt vampires and gank ghosts. I felt a twinge of regret when I thought back to the last time I contacted Bobby - it'd been over a month. Sam and Dean tended to contact him when they needed something, but I kept contact with him just to see how he was doing. Bobby's house was the closest thing I knew as home.

Before I knew it, I was at the cemetery gates, and stared up at the wet, old sign. _Hillside Cemetery_. For something that sounded like a nice place, it wasn't. I had a picture in mind of a nice sunset with semi-hilly grounds where there were nicely kept gravestones. Quite the opposite, they were poorly kept with moss covering most of the stones.

_Where are you, Boyd?_

If my story took off, old Andrew Boyd wouldn't be able to leave his house. The plan was simple - dig up his grave, salt and burn the bones, and no more Tulpa. That didn't change all those poor girls having disappeared... but it'd stop any new victims.  
Row after row, I kept examining each and every one with my flash light. Some you could barely read, and others were unmarked military graves. It was near an old oak tree where I found his stone, and immediately stripped my jacket and got to digging.  
By that time, it was an actual rainstorm moving through. A little lightning was overheard, which I found odd for it being March. I dug as fast as I could, desperately hoping to have the job done before Sam and Dean could find me.

I was about three feet down when I felt my body fly through the air and hit a headstone, knocking the wind out of me and hitting my head quite hard. I opened my eyes and, through my blurred vision and the rain, I saw a tall man standing there with bullet holes in his three piece suit, and a dirty trilby on his head. Andrew.

"They disturbed you, Boyd," I shouted the best I could, though I felt too weak to really get up. "This isn't you. You were at peace."

"A girl...." was all I could really hear him say as he approached me. "You little bitch. I'm going to take you home and tie you up."

His pale blue eyes stared down at me as he spoke. "I'll skin you, then I'm going to take you out in the field and burn you alive. Not before I get my prize first."

I squinted again and saw a necklace he was holding... made of human teeth.

_Even I think that's sick._

"Andrew! What happened to you was wrong. You had it bad, okay? I get it. I didn't do anything to you," I said as I stood up and tried to get salt out of my pocket.

I saw his bloody hand fly up and fling me into the oak tree, pushing me up so I would be at eye level with him.

"You exist. That's enough for me, whore." He was right in my face; I could smell the decay on him.

I shut my eyes tight as a blinding light approached us. I heard the familiar rumble of the Impala approaching at full speed, making Boyd laugh.

"A car ain't gonna stop me," he said as he put his hand around my throat.

I heard the car doors open, and soon I was flung into another headstone, that time keeping me down. My head was spinning from being flung this way and that. My brain felt like it was swollen, and my head throbbed like someone continuously beat it with a hammer.

"Alex!" Sam exclaimed as he ran toward me.

"Not now, Sam!" Dean shouted as he hit Boyd with an iron crowbar. "Finish digging that grave! I'll hold him off!"

Sam looked down at me apologetically and ran for the grave. I could hear them fighting Boyd, and it felt like an eternity as I laid on the soggy ground and felt mud staining my clothes. There was a loud shout, and I could sense the bright light coming from Boyd after Sam or Dean lit up his bones.

"Get her in the car. Move, Sam!" Dean shouted.

Before I knew it, Sam was carrying me to the car, his voice was distorted, Dean was yelling at me, and I couldn't form any words.

"Come on, Alex. Say something," Sam begged me.

I knew he was sitting next to me, holding my face in his large hands. He lightly tapped my cheek.

"Dammit, Alex, say something!" Dean exclaimed as he drove us out of the cemetery. "This is your fault. You should have been watching her."

"And where were you, Dean?" Sam asked as he held me up to his shoulders, cradling me. "Why weren't you at the motel, too? Don't think I can't smell whiskey on you."

"I was getting away from all this madness, Sammy. I can only take so much of it!" Dean was pissed, and slurred slightly.

I coughed, opening my eyes up enough to see Dean looking at us in the rear-view mirror, and saw Sam's arms around me.

"Alex!" Sam exclaimed. "Alex, can you say something? Please, say _anything_."

"Don't let her go to sleep," said Dean. "She probably has a concussion."

"Cuh...." I managed to get out as I felt the car spinning.

"What? Come on, Alex, try. Please," Sam begged, hugging me tighter.

"Castiel," was all I managed to get out before I passed out, hearing Sam and Dean's inaudible voices fade into nothing.


	8. On The Road Again

"Damn it, Alex, I can't believe you did that last night," Dean said in an angry tone as he drove us out of Oregon to return to the bunker. "You could've got yourself killed!"

"Dean, take it easy on her. She hasn't been feeling well," said Sam, who was sitting in the front next to Dean.

I rolled my eyes, still feeling my head throb, and rested it against the cool backseat window. Despite the temperature of the glass helping my head, the rest of my body felt a familiar warmness. I could feel Castiel, but he was no where in sight. I furrowed my brow - I could never understand why I could feel him coming when Sam and Dean couldn't.

"You're awful quiet back there, Alex. Why don't you chime in with a few words?" Dean said as he looked at me from the rear view mirror.

"I have none," I responded in a flat voice.

"Dean," Sam started, appearing to grow more agitated with Dean's strict behavior.

"Sammy, butt out. You didn't do your job last night, and now look what's happened to her! If Dad was around, he'd beat seven shades of shit outta you." Dean shook his head.

"Well Dad _isn't_ around, and if he was, Alex would probably be in college and living a normal life."

"That ain't true. Alex wants us all together. Right, Alex?" I could see Dean's green eyes pierce into mine in the mirror.

"Dean, enough," said Sam.

I heard a flutter of wings and felt Castiel sitting next to me. His hand went on my shoulder, leaving me to feel calm and less pain throughout my body.

"Holy f-" Dean exclaimed as he swerved on the road, causing the rest of the party to jolt around in our seats.

"What the hell, Cas! You gotta send a warning or something, man," Dean said in an angry tone, clutching the steering wheel tightly.

"Hello, Dean. Hello, Sam," Castiel greeted, keeping his hand on me.

"Hi Cas," Sam said awkwardly as he sunk a little in his seat.

"Where've you been, Cas? We've been trying to contact you since last night! We could've used some of your angel mojo." Dean was definitely in an extra foul mood that day.

"I heard your prayers, and I received your calls... and your angry, profanity-filled texts..." Castiel muttered the last bit, "I was in the middle of other matters."

 _ **He doesn't care about you**_.

"We needed you, Cas," Dean said in a stern voice. His eyes were glaring at Castiel. "You couldn't have taken five minutes from your 'other matters' to take care of my baby sister?"

Castiel's face remained unchanged. There was only that serious look he always carried.

"There are many lives at stake right now, Dean. I was only doing my job."

"And I was doing the job _you_ gave us, which is to protect Alex. Where's the boss when we need him?"

"Dean, calm down," said Sam, raising his hand in a gentle manner.

"I am calm!" Dean exclaimed, pushing down on the gas, making me panic.

I pushed Castiel's hand off of me and grabbed on to the door, holding it tight and staring at the road ahead in fear of him crashing the car.

"Dean, slow down," Castiel ordered. "You need to adjust your attitude. You are creating problems instead of solving them."

I felt my heart racing in my chest as I hyperventilated, watching as the road warped and came through the windshield at me. I put my arm in front of my eyes.

"Alexandria," Castiel said as he tried to pull my arm down, "Alexandria, it isn't real. You're safe. I'm here."

"What do you mean she's safe because you're here? She wasn't safe last night and you sure as hell didn't show up!" Dean exclaimed.

"You know Cas can't show up every time we ask for him," said Sam. "There are billions of people, Dean. We can't be put on a pedestal just because Alex isn't feeling well."

"Cas, you son of a bitch, I swear to God I'll gank you if something happens to my sister and you don't do shit to stop it." Dean was staring ahead at the road by that time.

"You okay?" I heard Castiel whisper in my ear. "You have a concussion. I can help."

"Okay," was all I said in a quiet voice so Sam and Dean couldn't hear.

He pressed his hand to my head, and suddenly I felt the closest to "normal" I'd felt in a while. Dean drove only slightly above the speed limit for once, and I relaxed into my seat. Castiel's hand wandered a little closer to mine on the seat than it normally would.

"Here," Castiel said as he pulled a paper out of his trench coat pocket and handed it to Dean, "take her there once you reach Colorado Springs. Do not have her committed. She needs to be evaluated and have her medication adjusted. I've already arranged an appointment."

"Is this the business you've been taking care of, Cas?" Sam asked as he took the paper from Dean.

"Yes. I heard you, Sam. I have a... business colleague, I suppose... working there. He was able to work this in as a favor. Do not be late." Castiel turned to me and pressed his hand to my head again and closed his eyes. "You're weaker, Alexandria. Please do as the doctor says."

"The angel on my shoulder sends me to a psychiatrist.... Sounds like a bad joke," I muttered.

"For me?" he whispered in my ear.

_Does he care....?_

**_No. It's a trap. This isn't Castiel. The demons will take you and put you in hell. You're going to be tortured._ **

"Castiel...." I said quietly as his face moved away from mine.

I caught Sam looking at us; he turned his head and stared forward immediately. I looked at Castiel in panic. He seemed unconcerned.

"I will check in later. Don't be late." There was a flutter of wings and he was gone.

The beautiful warmth I felt was gone, and left me feeling cold. I sighed and hugged myself, curling up on the seat and wishing Castiel was still there, even though I was still frustrated with him. The voices were running wild in my mind, fighting over him being possessed by Lucifer, he was working with demons, or he really wanted me committed.

* * *

Eight hours later, we arrived in Colorado Springs. We pulled into a parking lot for a rather large mental health clinic, which looked too much like a hospital, and I was told to get out.

"Come on, Alex. We'll make sure things get better, okay?" Sam said as he escorted me out of the car.

"Am I going to be hospitalized again?" I asked in a bitter voice as Sam took my arm in his.

"No. No, Lex, no. We just want to see what this doctor has to say, and if she can put you on something that will help you feel better." His voice was gentle. He was always so sensitive to my emotions.

**_It's a trap._ **

"Haul ass, you two, we're going to be late," Dean said as he walked in front of us, having bitched about being hungry only ten minutes prior to us finding the clinic.

"The medicine only makes me worse," was my reply as we walked through the automatic doors, leaving the chilly air behind and entering a nice, warm building.

White. Everything was white. It smelled like a hospital. The lights were very bright, and made me feel dizzy, making me hold on to Sam for dear life.

"We should've brought your sunglasses in," Sam said quietly as he steadied me.

"People would think I'm blind or strange," I commented.

"Not here," Dean said as he looked around at some patients in the waiting area, some in wheelchairs, some eating fast food with their feet on the table, and even one person talking to an empty chair.

"You guys took me to the ultra-nuts clinic," I said in a flat tone, feeling annoyed that I was, once again, being treated like a lunatic.

"Blame Cas, not us," Dean said as he approached the front desk, noticing an attractive woman with mocha skin was working behind the desk.

"Hey," Dean greeted as he turned on his charm, causing me and Sam to roll our eyes. "I have an appointment - well, my sister has an appointment. I don't normally come to places like these." He let out his usual borderline nervous laugh when he tried to flirt with someone.

"Name?" the lady asked.

"Alexandria Winchester," Dean replied. "So... what time do you get off your shift? I heard about a nice diner not too far from here."

_He's such a bullshitter._

The lady, whose name plaque said _Asia Johnson_ , shook her head with a small smile on her face.

"Castiel warned me about your advances, Dean."

Dean slammed his hand on the pale pink desk counter and rolled his eyes.

"A friggin' angel," he muttered. "Of course."

"For what it's worth, Dean Winchester, Asia thinks you're attractive," the angel said as she typed up my information and worked on printing papers for us to sign.

"So what do they call you behind the pearly gates?" Dean asked.

"Carmela." She grabbed the printed papers and put them on the desk. "Please have Alexandria or her guardian sign these."

"I'm her guardian," Sam said as he approached the desk, me still holding on to him the entire way.

He signed for me, then handed them back to her.

"This building is safe," said Carmela. "There are no demons here, sweetheart." She smiled at me.

"How do I know you're not one of them?" I asked quietly.

"Alex...." Sam said with a sigh.

"It's alright, Sam." Carmela smiled at him. "If you can trust Castiel, you can trust me. We have orders to protect you."

"Why me?" I stared at her, feeling rather lost in such a bizarre world.

_**You aren't destined for Heaven. You're going to Hell, and Crowley is going to have all kinds of fun with you.** _

"Castiel has a little more power than you think." She reached over the counter and placed her hand on me, though I felt none of the warmth I felt when Castiel was in my presence.

"Have a seat. The doctor will be out shortly."

* * *

"Can you please state your name?"

I stared at the maroon walls of a rather small room, with some potted plants and a black leather couch, with a psychiatrist by the name of Jennifer Smith.

"Alex," I responded as I felt my vision lose focus when my eyes landed on her bookshelf, with blurred books, a basket full of random children's toys, and even some coloring books.

"Your full name, please?" she responded, sounding surprisingly patient.

"Alexandria Ryder Winchester." I leaned down from my chair (the farthest from her in her office), and grabbed the basket of toys to dig through them.

_Whoa, a Porsche 918 Spyder. I haven't seen one of these in years._

"Do you know where you are?" Dr. Smith asked.

I caught her staring at me as she made notes on her laptop.

"Some clinic. I don't know what this place is called," I responded as I dug through some rubber balls (I did grab on to a nice rubber ball that was bright red and squeezed it, which felt rather pleasant).

"Okay.... Do you know what city you're in?"

"Colorado Springs."

_A '65 Mustang! Eh, the Impalas were still better._

"Very good. And what State are you in?"

I stared in her direction, not meeting her eye, and stated in a snarly tone, "Obviously I'm in Colorado."

"Okay. Now, Alex, please tell me what an average day is like for you. What do you do from the time you wake up?"

"That depends on where I am," I responded as I kept digging through the brown wicker basket. "Sometimes I just stay in bed, sometimes I'm riding in a car, and sometimes I even have a damn angel sitting in my room."

She stopped typing as soon as she heard "angel."

"You have an angel in your room?" she questioned, sounding more serious. "Do you mean a small statue, or...?"

"No, a real angel. Most of them are dicks, though," I said passively.

_Get out! A '65 Chavelle! And it's in black!_

"Do you see anything else besides angels?" She seemed more curious.

"Yeah. Demons, ghosts, gouls, vampires.... You name it, I can kill it."

"Uh huh...." she responded. "Alex, how is your hygiene?"

"Shower a couple times a week, brush my teeth daily because my brother makes me. Not too good about my hair, so I just leave it tied back."

"Do you do any chores?"

"Chores? What do you think I am, twelve?" I snorted as I set up a few _Hot Wheels_ on a side table, getting ready to make them race.

_Well, there's some irony._

"What I mean is, do you perform any basic tasks around the house such as doing laundry, cooking, washing dishes, or vacuuming?" She was starting to sound annoyed with me.

"Nope. I'm not around much." I pushed the _Hot Wheels_ , and watched them fly off the table. "Curious...."

"You've complained about hearing voices. Would you mind talking about them a bit?"

I froze with my hand deep in the toy basket, staring at her figure, but never looking at her face.

"I _do_ mind," I replied, tossing the basket on the bottom shelf.

"Your brother wrote on here that you hear two voices. What do they usually say?"

I felt a sudden burst of rage and threw a book across the room, hearing the loud bang! against the walls before it fell to the floor with a dull thunk.

"One tells me to kill myself. The other tells me what people are thinking of me." There really wasn't much to it.

"You also see things. Do you see things besides vampires, ghosts, angels...?"

"I see shadow figures. Sometimes I see small animals running around in my room. Guessing the medicine they put me on made me full-lunatic." I shrugged and sat back in my chair, waiting for the session to be over with.

"Are you in a relationship?"

"No."

"Do you have any children?"

"No."

_Stupid questions._

"Who is your primary care doctor?"

"Dr. Singer," I replied, knowing Bobby would play the role.

She asked me a few more questions before she finally released me back to Sam and Dean, who were told she would call with my results within two weeks, and to keep an eye on me. They complied, and took me back to the car.

* * *

 

"So you just sat there and played with toys the whole time?" Dean asked in an irritated voice as we left Colorado. "You couldn't cooperate?"

"Dean, you know she likes stuff like that. Don't give her a rough time. She did her best," said Sam.

"At least I don't go out and drink all night and pick up random people in bars," I commented, feeling as though I ran out of fucks to give.

"Watch it, Alexandria," Dean warned. "You're acting childish more and more these days. As soon as we're back to the bunker, we're taking you to the hospital to have your head checked. You almost had to've done something when you were being flung into headstones like a rookie."

"You try walking around all day on all kinds of high-powered psychiatric medication," I said in a louder voice as I leaned forward in the backseat. "See how well you handle it all!"

"Calm down," I heard Castiel in my head. "You need to rest."

I felt his warmth, and knew he had to be somewhere near by.

"I'm gettin' real sick of your attitude, kid," Dean said in a hostile voice. "Sam and I are chasing our tails trying to figure out what's wrong with you, we're trying to find jobs to make sure nobody dies or does anything stupid, and we've got angels and demons on our asses! I think this next hunt you're going to stay home, even if it means it's just me going out to work the case."

"Might as well! Look at Dean go, being a Martyr again!" I exclaimed. "You think I asked for any of this? You think I want to be the way I am? Besides, you and Dad never treated me as an equal."

"Sometimes I think you _like_ being sick! It gives you a lot of 'Get Out of Jail-Free' cards," Dean argued.

"Yeah? So being sick to the point of throwing up and hardly being able to walk from dizzy spells is enjoyable? Ah - I forgot who I'm talking to... you're a borderline alcoholic, so you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?" I shot back.

"Guys, relax!" Sam butted in. "You aren't going to get anywhere by fighting!"

"He's right," said Castiel, appearing next to me in the backseat. "Dean, you need to let up on her. Her soul is weak."

"I'm really friggin' sick of this crap, Cas. It's too big."

"That's what Jesus said," I said, quoting the movie "Dogma."

I caught Castiel looking at me before turning back to my oldest, most annoying brother.

"Dean, you've known she's been ill for a long time. Remember the warning I gave you. I fear it may come to that...."

"Come to what?" I asked as I stared between the two. "What's going on?"

**_They're planning to kill you._ **

"Stay out of it, Alex," Dean warned.

"I have a right to know! It's about me!"

"She makes a fair point," said Castiel. "But for your own safety, Alex, I don't want you thinking of darker things."

"Kinda hard with this kind of a job," I remarked.

"Which is why I want you to stop hunting until you're better." Castiel stared me dead in the eyes, making me feel really uneasy.

"Stop? What about Dean? He's a walking mess, and you aren't commanding him to stop hunting!"

"Yours are slightly more serious," he said. "Now... you have a longer ride before you're home. You need to rest."

"You're all going to talk behind my back, aren't you?" I asked as I stared back and forth between the three of them, and noticed Sam watching me and Castiel especially closely.

"No, Alex. I must go. I will see you when you're home," Castiel said as his hand touched my forehead, making me instantly fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.


	9. O Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: CONTAINS GRAPHIC DETAIL OF SUICIDE/SELF-HARM. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED.

When I woke, I was back in the bunker, in my bedroom. I sat up slowly on the bed, noticing a couple new posters were hung on my walls, making the room less institutionalized-looking. Sitting next to me on the bed was Sam, who appeared to be watching me as I slept. He smiled weakly at me as I wrapped my purple flannel around myself tighter.

"How are you feeling?" he asked as he slowly stood up.

"Like I'm in a nightmare. How long have I been sleeping?" I blinked a few times as I looked around for my phone.

"Nine hours. Dean's passed out. I was just going to head to bed, but I wanted to check on you first. Will you be alright? I bought some stuff to keep you occupied in case you can't sleep."

He motioned around the room, indicating the posters, a video game console that looked fairly old with some games next to it, and a remote-controlled car. I guess I did have one of the best brothers in the world.

"I'll be fine," I lied. "Where's my phone?"

"Here." I saw him bend down and take it off the charger and hand it to me. "It was almost dead when we got back. You have some texts from Cas."

"What'd they say?" I took the phone and opened my text messages, noticing they were still unread. "Oh."

"I won't pry like that." He paused for a moment, seeming to hesitate. "What was that back in the car earlier?"

“What was what?” I asked as I set my phone to the side; I’d wait until Sam left to check my texts.

“You and Dean going at each others’ throats. Look, Alex, you know I of all people get how Dean can be, but normally you never snap at him like that.” He stared at me, eyes filled with concern.

“Guess I’ve just had enough.” I paused as I felt awkward and the need to be alone. “Look, um... thanks for all the stuff. I’m good if you want to just head to bed. Maybe I’ll play one of those games.”

“I could stay with you for a bit,” Sam said quickly. “I bought Time Crisis 2.”

I glanced at the game console and gave it a better look - it was a Playstation 2.

_Wonder how much Sam had to pay for that. Yeah, they’re old, but Playstation anything is still stupidly expensive._

“Dean know you got all this stuff?” I looked around my room and saw a poster of David Bowie from his Diamond Dogs era hanging next to my door.

“Yeah. He’s pissed I spent some beer money, but he’ll get over it.” He smiled a little, his dimples showing. “So, you want to play a little?”

“No, it’s okay. I should read. I’ve been trying to read that Stephen King book for a while now.”

“ _Pet Sematary_? That’ll give you nightmares, Alex.” He frowned. “Why not those Sherlock Holmes books you used to love?”

“Because looking at Benedict Cumberbatch is so much better,” I said with a sigh.

Sam rolled his eyes.

“You and your celebrity crushes.”

“You’d understand if you liked guys. He’s gorgeous.”

“Okay, enough,” Sam said as he stood, his hands going up in defeat.

_I knew that’d get rid of him._

“I’ll leave you to whatever it is you’re going to do. Just rest, sis.” He leaned down and hugged me, leaving a kiss on my head. “You know where to find me if you need something.”

“Right. Good night, Sammy.”

“Good night, Lex.”

Those were the last words I’d say to Sam. He just didn’t know at the time.

As soon as my door closed, I opened the texts I received from Castiel.  
  


_From Castiel:_   
_Alexandria, please call me when you’re awake._

_From Castiel:_   
_Alex, please, we need to talk_

_From Castiel:_   
_I’m worried about you._

  
I tossed my phone to the side after closing out the texting app and stared around my room. I couldn’t reply to Castiel - I didn’t have anything to say to him. I felt distant toward everyone, and wanted nothing more than peace.

I let out a sigh and opened my nightstand drawer where all of my pills were. I dug through my jean pocket and pulled out a few extra doses of everything I took and threw them in one bottle; it was nearly full, along with my remaining pill bottles being half-full. I let out another sigh, feeling like I had the weight of the world on my chest (again), and forced myself up to get some water from the kitchen.

I snuck out of my room and tip-toed to and from the kitchen, where I retrieved a tall glass of water. I locked my bedroom door and sat on the floor in front of my night stand, bringing out every bottle of pills I had, along with my old razor blade I kept hidden underneath my mattress. I opened each other, and slowly, I started swallowing every single pill there was in sight. All the Xanax, all the Seroquel - everything. I even had some leftover Prozac from my last suicide attempt to help me out.

After I swallowed roughly seventy-some-odd pills, I felt myself begin to get a little light-headed and made my way into the bathroom. I sat on the floor, feeling the room spin a little while I felt the urge to throw up. Prior experience made me prepared that time - I brought in anti-nausea medicine and let the tablets dissolve on my tongue as I stripped myself of my flannel shirt, clumsily throwing it out of the bathroom (leaving me in a white tank top) and began dragging the razor blade down my arm, opening old wounds.

It didn’t matter how much it hurt. The amount of blood I was shedding would have been alarming to anyone else. I didn’t care - I was entering another world at that time; a world of blood, a release of my pain, a final escape. I was finished with the world, with angels, with demons, with pesky brothers who forced pills down my throat and dragged me around the country. In the back of my mind, I felt anger towards my real parents for leaving me, I felt angry at our dad for not including me enough on hunting trips when he let Sam and Dean go because they were boys.

I thought of the beautiful blue eyes of Castiel and sighed as crimson leaked from my wounds. He wouldn’t care that I was dead - why would he? He was only an angel. He had bigger fish to fry than deal with lousy old me.

The room began to dim slowly, and my body weakened to the point where I slid down the wall and laid on my back on the cold tile. The last thing I heard was Sammy bursting in and yelling my name before everything faded to darkness.

* * *

As soon as I opened my eyes, I realized I was standing above my brothers, over my own body, and everything seemed misty. Next to me was a beautiful, young black woman humming a hymn. She raised her hazel eyes to me and stared at me with intensity.

"You're early, Alexandria."


	10. Don't Fear The Reaper

“You’re early, Alexandria,” the woman said as her kind eyes burned into my soul.

“You’re here for me,” I replied flatly. “I finally did it.”

“Look at them,” she said as she motioned down toward Sam and Dean.

I looked down at my brothers and saw Sam doing CPR while Dean prayed to Castiel.

“Cas! Get your ass down here and _fix my sister_!” he shouted as he sat on his knees next to me, his body shaking as he held on to my hand.

“He’s not coming, Dean,” Sam said in a panicked tone. “We gotta get her to the hospital.”

“I’ll get the car ready. You close those wounds fast. This is on your conscious, Sam. You were supposed to keep her safe, God dammit,” Dean said as he stood, seething at Sam.

Sam didn’t reply and merely went to work with bandaging my arms. I couldn’t feel his touch, and simply stared at him with a dull feeling in my gut. The reaper caught my attention again.

“You’re about to really hurt those boys,” she said. “You didn’t cut as deep as last time, but the amount you took this time around did you in, sweetheart.”

“So what do they call you on this side?” I asked, noting the all-white outfit I was wearing.

“Call me Shawnda, sweetie. Are you ready to come with me?” She smiled as she offered her hand.

“No.”

Shawnda frowned.

“Look sister, I know you have to do your job - hell, I’ve seen Death in the flesh before and know all about it - but I’m not ready to say goodbye.”

“My offer only stands for so long,” she said impatiently, crossing her arms. “Either you cross over, or I leave you here to eventually become the thing you Winchesters hunt.”

“I’m not a Winchester,” I said bitterly. “I’ve never _been_ a real Winchester.”

“Oh hunny, that’s where you’re wrong.” She snapped her fingers.

* * *

 

“Ow!” I exclaimed as a sharp pain went through my skull.

“Take a look around you,” she said as I noted the increased temperature from my bathroom, and noticed we were outside by the Impala.

“Wha-?”  
“Come on, Sammy!” a then-twelve year old me exclaimed as Sam chased me around the Impala.

“I remember this....” I said quietly, watching Sam, who just came back from college and was on the hunt with Dean and me to find Dad. “We’re in St. Louis. Dean’s nearby, and he’s about to come over and yell at us.”

Just like clockwork, right after Sam caught me and started tickling me, Dean approached the parked car off on a county road and scolded us.

“Can you two chuckleheads take this seriously? Christ, Alex, this is why Dad always insisted on leaving you at Bobby’s.”

I looked at a much-younger me, who wore the clothes Sam and Dean wore when they were far younger than my then-twelve year old self. I looked heartbroken. I glared at Dean and approached him.

“Dean, why the fuck do you always have to be this way?” I asked him, being much closer to his height than my younger self.

“He can’t hear you,” Shawnda said. “This is only your memory.”

I sighed and watched as Dean walked away, and saw my younger self get teary-eyed. Sam comforted me, and told me Dean was just having a bad day. He promised to sneak me away and give me ice cream later that day - a promise he did live up to.

“Still not convinced?” Shawnda asked, drawing my attention to her.

She raised an eyebrow before snapping her fingers again.

* * *

 

That time we were in a field, watching fireworks. It was the Fourth of July, and we were in Seattle. Dean was absent while Sam took me to see the fireworks over the Space Needle. I was about fourteen years old, and he knew I was obsessed with the show _Grey’s Anatomy_. He wanted to make sure I got to experience a semi-normal part of Seattle instead of the nest of vamps we were hunting.

“He really does care about you,” said Shawnda as she stood next to me, watching younger-me and Sam admire the fireworks. “He loved you from the moment he saw you.”

“And as usual, it appears Dean is nowhere in sight.” I sighed. “I’ve been a burden on him since the get-go.”

“Not true,” Shawnda said with an eyeroll. “Girl, you’re crazy. No offense.”

* * *

 

She snapped her fingers again, and suddenly waved her hand. We were in the hospital, and I was hooked up to all kinds of tubes and machines. Dean was holding my hand, tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Is this right now?” I asked, my voice quieter as I stared at my rough-around-the-edges brother.

“This was from your previous attempt.”

“Alex, dammit....” Dean said, his voice sounding distorted, “please, if you pull through, I’ll make sure _nothing_ bad happens to you again. I promise to stop being such a bag of dicks. If you want to leave hunting and get your GED, we’ll make it happen. Just _please_... pull through. For Sammy? For me? ...maybe even for Cas?”

He wiped his eyes real quick and kissed my hand.

Before I knew it, I was being snapped into a different hospital room, at a different time, with doctors surrounding me.

* * *

 

“See, child? Those boys _do_ love you. You _are_ a Winchester.”

“Bobby once said, ‘family don’t end in blood,’” I said quietly, watching the doctors fix me up with the monitors while a couple of nurses went to work with stitching my arms back up.

“This is her second visit,” remarked one nurse. “I worked on her last time. It wasn’t this bad.”

“It’d be a miracle if she pulls through,” remarked the other nurse.

“Bobby is going to hurt for a long time because of this,” Shawnda said quietly as she guided me out of the room, where we simply walked through the closed door to find my brothers sitting on the floor across from my room.

Sam had his head buried in his hands, crying. Dean had his tough-guy act on, but had his hand on Sam’s back.

“You said he texted her?” Dean asked.

“He did.” Sam sniffled and took a deep breath, letting out a loud, shaky sigh. “I don’t have her phone with me, and I didn’t open them.”

“Fucking Cas. I can’t believe he hasn’t come. He gives us orders to watch over her closely, sends us off to Colorado Springs to have her evaluated, and then this happens? What the fuck was he thinking?”

“Cut Cas some slack, you dickhead,” I said in a weak tone, knowing damn well they couldn’t hear me.

“You’ve always stuck up for him. Even when you met him.” Shawnda smiled weakly at me before taking my arm.

* * *

 

There was a rush of wind and we were five years in the past, back when I first met Castiel.  
  
“I can’t believe I just met an _angel_ ,” younger-me gushed.

“Yeah, and they’re all a bag of dicks,” Dean retorted. “Don’t trust them. Once we have the Colt again, I swear....”

“Dean, they’re angels. They’re supposed to be the good guys,” said Sam.

“Castiel just doesn’t understand how we work. He’ll come around. I just _know_ he will,” younger-me added. “He’s probably never interacted with humans before.”

“You see too much good in everything,” Dean commented before laying down on his crappy motel bed.

“And you see too much bad in everything! Castiel seems like the type we could eventually trust. After all, he is the one who saved you from Hell.”

“Don’t talk about that,” Dean warned.

* * *

 

There was another rush of wind and we were back in the hospital.

“Oh God, I had a crush on him then,” I muttered. “Will I see him again, Shawnda? Will I ever see Castiel again?”

“I cannot tell you. You know that.” She smiled weakly at me.

“You guys can see her now,” a doctor suddenly said as she and the medical team walked out of my room. “I have to warn you - she’s not responding, and her brain activity is very low. We’ve pumped her stomach and fixed her wounds, but only time will tell at this point.”

“Thanks, Doctor,” Sam said as he stood, immediately going into the room.

Dean hung around by the thirty-something Doctor.

“Oh great, he’s probably going to try to flirt with her,” I said as I crossed my arms.

“Doc, what are the chances she could pull through this?”

“Very slim. I’m sorry, Mr. Winchester, but you may want to make some final arrangements. We have a Priest on-call if you wish to have him visit.”

“Dammit, Alex,” Dean mumbled before turning away from the doctor to go into my room.

I followed him into the room, Shawnda still lurking behind me. Sam was seated next to me, holding my hand and crying into it.

“I let you down, Lex. I wasn’t there and I let you be by yourself. I should have known you weren’t safe. I should’ve done more.”  
“Damn right you should have done more,” Dean said as he sat on the other side of me. “You may have just killed our baby sister. You know I’m never going to forgive you for this.”

“I know, Dean. I know....” Sam leaned down and kissed my blood-stained forehead. “Please, Lex, please... come back to us.”

“Sam, you don’t think she’s already in the room, do you?”

“She is.”

I felt warmth as Castiel appeared in the room, a furious look on his face.

“Cas! Where the fuck have you been, you son of a bitch?” Dean asked as he stood up from his chair, glaring at the angel.

“I had other duties,” Castiel said as he looked my way. “She’s with a reaper.”

“Can you see her?” Sam asked.

“No,” Castiel said as he continued to look my way. “I can see the reaper, though.”

“Tell it to get away from our sister!” Dean exclaimed.

“You failed my orders, Dean. You don’t tell me what to do.” Castiel sized Dean up, looking like he was about to rip Dean’s intestines out through his mouth. “Have a Priest come in to read her her last rights.”

With that, Castiel disappeared. I stood above my body, shaking a little.

“He really doesn’t care,” I said quietly. “He told me he cared, and he doesn’t. I knew it.”

“Think again, Alexandria,” came Castiel’s voice.

I turned around and saw him presenting his angel blade, his eyes fixed on Shawnda. Shawnda merely chuckled.

“Does Heaven know you’ve fallen in love with a human?” she asked.

I stared at Castiel. All I could do was look at him and wonder how true that was, or whether the Reaper was messing with my head.

“You understand that I must kill you so Alexandria can be healed,” Castiel simply replied. “It’s not her time.”

“According to my schedule, it is,” Shawnda said as she abandoned my side and approached Castiel. “Let me do my job, Castiel.”

“I’m sorry, Shawnda.” Castiel flipped the angel blade around in his hand and stabbed Shawnda through the heart, a piercing scream following before she turned to dust.

Castiel put away his blade and stared at me, his beautiful sapphire eyes going soft.

“You should have prayed to me. I would have came.”

“I’m sure,” I said sarcastically. “How am I supposed to get back into my body?”

I looked back and saw Sam still holding my hand while Dean merely paced the floors in a fit of anger.

“I can take care of that,” he said as he slowly approached me. “When I send you back, you must promise me that you will never do this again. I’m going to be hunted for bringing you back.”

“Is there some kind of bounty on my head, Castiel? What’s this whole need for Heaven to protect me?”

“Because you matter to me,” he said before he raised his hand and touched my forehead. “I will see you soon.”

It was lights out after that.


	11. Purple Rain

My eyes slowly opened to find Sammy holding my hand and a tube down my throat. I immediately panicked and began flailing in my bed, which caused Sam to get up and what I assumed call the nurse.

“Lex! Alex! Calm down! It’s okay. Relax,” he said quickly as he grabbed my arm.

I choked out in pain when he squeezed my hand too hard, feeling pain shooting up from my arms. I looked down at myself the best I could and saw my arms were bandaged up tight, and my stomach felt queasy. My entire body hurt, and the room was spinning; everything was too bright.

“I’ll be damned,” a nurse said as he and a doctor ran into my room, the nurse pulling the tube out of my throat, which was one of the most unpleasant feelings possible.

I coughed and gagged as the tube came out. Sam stood by my side, and I saw Dean entering the room.

“Oh, Alex. Thank God, kiddo.” Dean ran to my bedside, pushing past the doctor, and leaned down to hug me.

“Dean, I wouldn’t -” Sam was cut off by me gagging into Dean’s shoulder, which seemed to not phase him at all.

In the meantime, the nurse was trying to get my vitals, and the doctor was updating my chart. They told Dean and Sam to leave the room for a bit so they could examine me, which my brothers complied. It didn’t take them long to get my vitals and tell me it was a miracle that I was alive, they nearly lost me, blah blah. I was informed that they were going to send down a psychiatrist later that day, and I needed a CT scan.

* * *

 

When Sam and Dean returned, they were filled in by the medical staff how I was doing, then were left to visit with me. I didn’t really want to speak to Dean - I did remember what he said to Sam, and I remembered Shawnda. The look on her face when Castiel was forced to kill her....

_Castiel doesn’t kill for the hell of it. He hates it._

“I’m so sorry,” Dean apologized as he sat next to my bed. “We let you down, kiddo.”

“Stop,” I said as I avoided looking at Dean. “Just save it. Could I be alone with Sam for a bit?”

I saw Dean glare at Sam out of the corner of my eye before he merely nodded and got up, exiting the room in silence.

“It’s my fault,” Sam said as he gently held my hand. “This is all my fault. I should have stayed with you and made sure you were safe. I failed you.”

“You didn’t,” I said in a hoarse voice. “This wasn’t your fault. It was mine.” I sighed, cringing from the pain in my throat. “Am I going to be in the hospital for a long time?”

“Possibly, Lex. But as soon as you’re out and feeling better, we can do whatever you want. If you want to keep hunting, you’re in. We’ll even get you an FBI badge.” He smiled at me. “But if you want the apple pie life, you’ve got it. You’re free to find your own place in life.”

“Sammy,” I said quietly as I weakly squeezed his hand. “You know I can’t stay out of this life. Once a hunter, always a hunter.”

His hazel eyes lit up a little as he placed a kiss on my forehead.

“There’s just one thing,” I said.  
  
“What’s that?”

“I get to pick the names on the badges.” I smiled at him a bit.

He chuckled. “You got it.”

“And Dean has to quit being a turbo dickhead. Please.” I stared at him with pleading eyes.

“We’ll work on that one day at a time.” He leaned over and rubbed my forehead like he once did when I was a small child.

* * *

A couple of hours later I was interviewed by a psychiatrist, who said he would discuss my follow-up treatment with Sam. I nodded off after I had my CT scan, and woke to find Dean sitting next to my bed. He smiled weakly at me.

“Hey kiddo,” he said as he leaned on the back of his chair. “I owe you an apology.”

I sighed as I folded my arms over my chest, avoiding his gaze.

“Go on.”

“I’m sorry for pressuring you, making you feel bad... blaming Sam for everything. I’m sorry about what I said about you bein’ sick. I’ve been a real douche to you.”

“You have been,” I commented with another sigh. “But.. I forgive you.”

His smile grew.

“Good. I’m glad. Now that that chick flick moment’s over.... How are you doing?”

“Tired. Have you, uh, heard from Cas?”

“Not since....” he trailed off, his face going blank, then appearing to be angry. “No. Haven’t seen the son of a bitch. Useless, dickless angels.”

“Castiel isn’t useless,” I commented, remembering him saving my life. “There is war with the demons and angels right now.”

“So we’ve heard, but I expect him to drop it all and come when we call for him. We’re all in this together.”

“Okay, Zac Efron,” I mumbled.

Dean gave me a look before he ruffled my hair.

“There’s my girl.” He smiled before standing up. “I’ll let you get some more sleep. Sam went out for burgers since this hospital food is shit. I told him to get you one too, despite what the Doctor says.”

* * *

By nine o’clock, my brothers said good night to me and that they would be back in the morning. I nodded off several times, and had a nice supply of morphine to keep the pain down. The Doctors didn’t want me up walking around yet, so I was stuck in bed with nothing but the television to keep me entertained.

Luckily one of my favorite shows, _Impractical Jokers_ , was on. I was smitten with Q and was relieved there was a marathon on. I laughed at the guys being punished with tattoos, Sal having to dig through elephant shit to find his keys, and Q having to break dance. Two hours into my binge-watching, I was interrupted by the flapping of angel wings.

“Castiel,” I said breathlessly, all the memories of being dead flooding back to me.

I turned off the TV, in the middle of one of Joe’s punishments, and focused on Castiel’s big presence.

“Alexandria.” He approached me and pressed his fingers to my head, and I felt the dull throb of my arms disappear.

“I... I’m sorry,” I said quietly, meeting his stare, feeling a rush of emotions and my eyes fog with tears.

“I forgive you. Just please do not do this again. Heaven is... less than happy with me right now, so I’ll need to be in hiding for a short time. The Reapers are also less than happy with me.”

“Stay at the bunker,” I said in a sleepy voice. “You’ll be safe there.”

“Only so safe,” he said quietly. “If they find me, they could still get in. I would only be putting you and your brothers in danger.”

“Not any more danger than usual. Have I mentioned that I’ve had the King of Hell sexting me?”

“You may have mentioned that.”  
I moved over and pat the bed. He looked at me with confusion.

“Sit next to me?”

He slowly nodded in response and sat down on the bed, looking a little awkward.

“You healed me, Castiel. I’m not a glass doll.” I stared at him, noticing how far he sat away, how he avoided moving much and sat so rigidly.

“I do not wish to harm you, Alexandria. I fear if I get too close, I may injure you. You are still weak, and you’ve lost too much weight.”

“Please, Castiel.... Please sit closer. You will not harm me.”

“If you are sure, Alexandria.” He hesitated for a moment before sitting close enough for me to feel his hip.

His feet swung up onto the bed, and once he leaned back against the elevated portion of the mattress, I hugged him. He froze in his spot and looked down at me. When I met his gaze, I saw confusion in his sapphire orbs.

“Why did you do it, Alex? I told you I care about you. I told you to pray to me. We could have worked through it together.”

He paused for a moment before putting his hands on my upper arms. His touch was warm, comforting.

“I just... didn’t believe you. I just wanted the voices to stop - I just wanted to stop feeling so miserable.” I sighed as I rested my chin on his bicep. “You are angry with me, aren’t you?”

He bit his lip as he appeared to be in thought.

“I’m not angry. Just... disappointed. I will be checking in on you more regularly for a while until I can trust that you will be fine.”

“You don’t need to do that, Castiel. The souls?”

“The souls can be maintained in between. I may ask Bobby Singer to help watch over you when I cannot be there.”

I groaned.

“I have to go to Sioux Falls?”

“What choice do I have, Alexandria? I nearly lost you.” His voice rose as his anger became more apparent.

“Do you know what that would have done to your brothers had you really died? What it would have done to me?”

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly. “I just... I should have called on you. I should have gotten Sam. I should have called Bobby. I should have done everything but that.”

“That’s right. You should have. Let this be a lesson to you.”

I did feel bad. I felt bad for scaring my brothers, for putting Bobby through grief after Dean told me that they contacted him and he was on his way to the hospital as we spoke, how I angered Castiel.... Hurting myself was just stupid. There was no good excuse for it when I could have been helped, even if it meant going to a mental hospital... again.

“You still don’t believe that I care about you, do you?” Castiel said suddenly. “You do not believe my feelings are true.”

“I have a difficult time imagining they are. Why care about me, Cas? Seven billion people and you pick me? Why?”

I stared at him, watching as his jaw muscle tightened as I spoke. He put his arm around me and led me into a slightly proper hug.

“That’s precisely it - seven billion people, and I ended up caring about you most. We share a more profound bond, Alexandria. It took being human to understand what I felt.”

“The whole caring thing?” I raised an eyebrow at him.

“The ‘caring thing,’ yes.”

“Castiel?”

“Yes, Alex?”

“Stay with me?”

He looked back down at me and slowly nodded. I relaxed against him and closed my eyes, feeling warmth and safety.


	12. Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been gone for so long, and I'm terribly sorry that this chapter is so short. I lost interest in writing for months, and on top of it all I've been busy with school so there's that. I hope you all enjoy this, and I'll try my best to update sooner. For a while I was out of ideas and didn't know which direction to take with this story, but I feel like I may have found a path now. Anyway, enjoy!

_Two Months Later_

I was released from the psychiatric hospital after six weeks, and spent two weeks at Bobby’s house. During the time I was hospitalized, I mainly saw Sam, as he visited me almost daily. Dean showed up twice as he was working different cases in the area and kept himself busy. Bobby was there for me every day, just like I figured he would be.

Castiel, on the other hand.... After that night, I didn’t see him. He sent me texts while I was hospitalized, and when I finally got my stuff back after being discharged, I found twenty messages from him. “Hello Alexandria.” “I pray you are getting better in the hospital.” “The war between the angels and the demons has been difficult, but I know we will win.” “I miss you.” “I will be waiting for you when you’re home again.”

I didn’t know what to think of him telling me he missed me, and that he was waiting for me. The first week of my inpatient stay I prayed to Castiel constantly. I knew he couldn’t just show up because I was monitored constantly, though I’m surprised he didn’t come in the visit like Sam. I was a little disappointed, but after reading his texts I understood a little bit better.

While I was inpatient, I had regular therapy sessions with a psychiatrist named Doctor Li. He diagnosed me with schizophrenia, PTSD, depression, and general anxiety. He prescribed me Clonazepam and Abilify to monitor my symptoms - yet another bandage to cover everything up. Before then, I was never on Abilify and was wary of trying it, but had no choice in the matter as Sam was my guardian and approved of the medication changes.

By the time I left Bobby’s, I felt like a new person. The fog around me was beginning to lift, and I felt more ambitious towards life. I decided I wanted to get my GED, so Sam and Dean made plans to take me to the local community college where they offered a course for me to start my journey. My history with school wasn’t the greatest, but it was more stable than Sam’s. While I did have to switch schools a fair deal once I reached junior high (and eventually dropping out in my senior year), I attended the same school for about three to four years while I lived with Bobby and rarely saw my brothers or our dad.

I was excited to start school again, but I felt nervous and lacked the confidence in my math skills. Luckily, Sam made for an excellent tutor. Dean, however, wasn’t much help.

We were in the bunker and I’d been home for a week, and already I was preparing for my tests in the class. Sam was out working a case a state over, so Dean was left to help me out with my math prep, and he couldn’t have been less thrilled. It made me feel a little guilty, but in a way it felt like he owed me one.

“Alright, say you got a loan for three years on a sweet sixty-eight Dodge Charger R/T. You get it for, uh, I dunno... fourteen grand. You pay five percent simple interest. What’s the total cost at the end of the loan?” He put my official GED book down and stared me down with his emerald orbs.

After I entered the numbers on my calculator, I grinned as I looked up at him.

“Two thousand, one-hundred dollars.”

He nodded as he looked impressed.

“I don’t know if you got it right or not. I just wanted to see what that’d be since I saw an ad in the paper. Thanks, sis.” He took a swig of his beer.

I rolled my eyes.

“Give me another one.”

His phone suddenly rang.

“Minute,” he said as he dug his phone out of his pocket. “It’s Sam.”

“What’ve you got?” Dean asked our brother.

I grabbed my book from him and started going over the different math examples it had. I noticed Dean getting up and walking away as he continued to talk to Sam. Shortly after he left the room, a familiar warmth spread across my skin.

“Hello, Alexandria,” came a voice from behind, making me jump a little.

“Cas!” I said quickly, dropping my book and lunging out of my chair to hug him.

He wrapped his arms around me and held me for a moment before letting go.

“I’ve missed you,” I said as I looked into his sapphire eyes.

“I missed you as well, Alexandria. You are much better than the last time I saw you. Your soul is fully intact, and I see it is far less damaged. I know you’ve also been taking your medication on time every night. I am... very proud of you.”

I smiled at him.

“Thanks, Castiel. How have you been?” I sat down and motioned for him to sit across from me.

_He’s still as beautiful as I remember._

He took a seat where Dean was and started to look through my book.

“The battle between the angels and the demons has let up a fair deal, but I have been hiding the past couple of months for what I did. Heaven is... less than happy with me.”

“I’m sorry,” I said with sincerity.

I did feel a great wave of guilt for the situation I put Castiel in. He killed a reaper just to save my own life. For that, I could never repay him. I was also pretty positive that most of Heaven hated me for his act. After all, I was a filthy mortal who didn’t deserve saving.

“I would do it again,” Castiel said quietly.

That took me by surprise.

_Maybe he doesn’t think I’m that bad after all._

“Come again?” I asked, not quite believing my own ears.

“I would do it again. I would kill that reaper just to save you.” His eyes felt like they were penetrating my soul.

We stared at each other for a bit, only to be interrupted by Dean coming back in.

“Cas! Where the hell have you been, man? Sam could use your help on a case he’s working.”

Castiel’s gaze slowly dropped to the table as Dean spoke.

“Of course,” he said before he stood up, coming up a couple of inches shorter than my brother. “What is this case?”

“Vampires. Nasty nest.” He paused before he smirked a little. “Also a good title for a porno.”

“You’re gross, Dean,” I mumbled.

“Quiet, kiddo,” he said as he tossed me a bottle of water. “Water for the ol’ noggin. Keeps you on your toes, according to Sam.”

“And you drink beer to stay so alert, right?” I shot back.

“Watch the mouth. I will wrestle you.” Dean turned back to Castiel, who remained serious in expression throughout our banter.

“I do not recommend wrestling her, Dean. Her arms are not healed yet, and her medication is just beginning to work.”

“I was kidding, Cas. Thought we talked about that.” Dean clapped him on the shoulder.

Castiel remained silent and glanced over at me.

“Well? You gonna go help Sam or stare at my sister all day? Come on, Cas.” Dean nudged him out of the way so he could sit down across from me again.

“I suppose I will go to Sam.”

And with that, he was gone. My heart felt empty with our reunion being cut short due to work. I understood that there were lives at stake, but the selfish side of me really wanted to just talk to Castiel and spend time with him.

“Where were we?” Dean asked as he picked up my GED book again and began flipping through the pages “Ah, right. Simple interest....”

But my mind couldn’t focus on numbers. It was drawn back to Castiel and his pretty face, his tussled hair, his baby blues... all the little things about him that made him so unique and perfect in my eyes. How I longed to touch him....


	13. Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel takes care of Alex, and some fluff ensues.

_Two Weeks Later_

I did it - I actually took one of my GED tests (English) and I passed! I received 169 on the test out of 200 points, and I was proud. To celebrate, I didn’t have to go on a hunting trip with Sam and Dean that following day, where they were taking off for Missouri. Besides, I needed to study for my following test: science.

Of course, I wasn’t left home alone. They left Castiel in charge of me... or Castiel left himself in charge. I really wasn’t sure. Either way, the bunker was empty, and I had Castiel all to myself.

“Alexandria, you have been studying for multiple hours now. It’s time for you to relax,” Castiel said as he entered my bedroom.

_Oh look, Cas is in your room. Whatever shall you do?_

_A naked pillow fight would be alright with me._

_Okay, Dean...._

I looked up at him from my big GED book and a couple of science books from school that were scattered on my bed, feeling a little bit annoyed that my concentration was interrupted. But hey, it was Castiel - I couldn’t be too annoyed with him. He was too damn beautiful to be annoying.

“How do I relax, Castiel?” I questioned as I closed my book. “I really want to pass this test.”

He stood next to my bed and stared down at me.

“You will pass. You are an intelligent young woman. It’s time to take your medicine.”

“Oh gosh, Cas, you know all the things to say to make a girl blush,” I said with an eyeroll.

He gave me a blank stare.

“Your face is not red from humiliation or flattery,” he said in a serious tone.

“I was being sarcastic.” I got up and swatted him with a pillow.

“Alexandria, please take your medicine. It is of great importance that you stay healthy. Also, don’t forget that we will be going to the doctor tomorrow about your medication.”

I was about to walk out of my room when I stopped dead in my tracks.

“Hold up - you’re taking me? How would we even get there? You’re a terrible driver.”

I felt a little catty that night.

He raised two fingers to touch my forehead, which made me back away instantly.  
“I see your point. Just... be delicate with me, please. Last time you zapped Dean he didn’t poop for a week.”

Castiel gave me a look.

“Alex, please take your medication. It’s important to stay on schedule.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m going!”

I realized I was about to leave my room when I remembered that the pills were kept in my bathroom as of several days past, so I laughed nervously and turned around to go take my medicine. Once I was finished, I returned to Castiel and my pile of books.

“How about some coffee? These damn things just make me exhausted, and I have studying to do!”

“No, you are not studying any more tonight. You will wear yourself out. I have other ideas for your relaxation instead.”

I gave him a funny look before following him out of my room. We ended up in the living room area of the bunker where there was a TV, a couch, and a coffee table. It really wasn’t impressive, but it started to feel a little like home.

“I went to the corner store and rented this horror movie you talked about, and I have taken the liberty of popping some popcorn. Your favorite soda is also in the refrigerator. Would you like some chocolate?” Castiel, who was presenting a DVD titled, “The Boy,” and a large bowl of buttery popcorn, pulled a bar of Cadbury chocolate out of his trench coat pocket.

I stared at him for a moment and shrugged.

“Okay. Movie night with Cas... that sounds fun!” I grabbed the DVD from him. “Ah, thanks, Castiel. This was really sweet of you.”

I smiled at him, which he returned in a slightly awkward way. I never really saw him smile much before, so that was fairly new. I loaded the movie while he got the pop from the fridge (Diet Coke - yumm), and I got seated in the middle of the couch like the big hog I was.

“I don’t recall talking to you about this movie. Did I and I just forgot?”

“Yes. You said you wanted to see it in theaters, but you never had the chance.”

“Oh, that’s right... we were in Iowa, weren’t we? Case with those ghouls chomping on a family near Des Moines?”

“Yes,” was his answer as he sat next to me.

My phone suddenly rang right when I was going to reach for the popcorn, and I saw my caller ID light up with “Douchebag.” I groaned and answered.

“What do you want, Crowley?” I asked in a snarly voice.

“Now, now, Lexi, I’m just calling to congratulate you on passing your test! A little birdie told me that you and Cassie are having date night. Why didn’t you invite Uncle Crowley?”

I pulled the phone away from my ear to give it a disgusted look; I caught Castiel out of the corner of my eye giving me a strange look.

“Ugh. Don’t call yourself my uncle, you sicko,” I said with a shiver. “You’re not invited because you suck.”

“I suck many things, darling, but I don’t suck in general. Why don’t you send me a picture of you in that little teddy I sent you?”

“Goodbye, Crowley.” I hung up on him.

“Crowley is a perversion of nature,” said Castiel.

“That’s true.” I leaned back into the couch and pressed ‘play’ on the movie.

Overall, it was a pretty good movie, and I thanked Castiel multiple times for doing all of that for me. He refused food and drink because it all just tasted like molecules to him. He was a little confused about the whole taking care of a doll thing, and I explained to him that sometimes grieving people did that. He still didn’t understand completely, and neither did I.

After the movie was over, I yawned and felt a little groggy. Damn medicine. Cas was wide awake and looking through a photo album Dean put together one day, and stopped to admire a group photo of us with Jody, Claire, and Alex (it got really confusing when Alex and I were together, so they just called me Lex. Except for Castiel - he seemed to like to address me by my full name for some reason).

“Find anything interesting in there?” I asked him while his thumb traced down the side of the picture.

“I often wonder how Claire is doing. I have feelings of guilt when I think of her situation.”

“Oh come on, Cas, none of it was your fault. You only did as Jimmy asked. Besides, it’s better that he’s your vessel compared to Claire. She’d never have the chance to grow up or anything.”

“But it’s my fault that she’s in the hunting world, and was forced to grow up without her father. I read a book that states young girls can lead problematic lives without their fathers.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Not all of that is true. A girl I knew in high school was raised by just her mom and she was at the top of her class. Last time I checked her Facebook, she’s doing very well and is about to graduate from college.”

“I will never understand this Facebook you speak of. Why would people want a book of faces?” He gave me a very serious look.

I giggled at him.

Look at you being all girly and acting like a teenager over him.

“Hey, want to take a picture together?” I asked as I pulled out my phone.

“Alex, that is a phone.”

“It takes pictures, too.”

He smiled a bit.

“You humans never cease to amaze me with your little inventions.”

I held the phone up and pointed the front-facing camera at us. I scooted closer to Castiel and smiled, then took the picture. I noticed he even smiled a tiny bit for the camera. I frowned when I noticed it blurred a little.

“Could we retake that? It’s a little blurry,” I said to him.

“Of course.” He sat closer to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

I took the photo again and frowned.

“You didn’t smile!” I said as I pointed at his face in the picture. “You gotta smile a little, Cas.”

“My apologies, Alexandria. I’m afraid I’ve only been in a handful of photos at most during the course of human history.”

I held the camera up again.

“Okay, now smile!” I grinned, then noticed him contorting his face oddly. “Cas, what are you doing?”

“Smiling,” he said through his teeth.

I sighed.

“You look constipated.”

He frowned and gave me a look, and I apologized right away.

“Try again. Just relax. Like this!” I smiled a little at the camera, and inwardly cringed at myself in the camera.

_Jeez, I’m hideous._

Cas smiled a little and I quickly snapped the photo.

“Perfect! You have a really nice smile.” I blushed afterwards.

“I’m afraid you mean my vessel has a nice smile. From your height, you wouldn’t be able to see my true form’s smile as I’m roughly the size of your Chrysler Building.”

“I remember, Cas.”

“But you do have a nice smile, Alexandria.”

“Aw. Thank you.” I leaned forward and kissed his cheek, which was something I never did before. “And thank you for the amazing evening you gave me. It sure beat studying.”

I pulled back and stared at him, feeling my face flush from mild embarrassment. Perhaps I shouldn’t have gone so far to kiss his cheek.... After all, what would my brothers think? Hell, what was I thinking?

“You kissed my cheek, Alexandria.” He stared at me.

_Oh god, this is awkward._

“Yeah, about that - I’m really sorry if that offended you. Sometimes I just get caught up in the moment, and yeah....”

_I feel so stupid!_

“It is okay. I... I enjoyed it. It is nice to feel the touch of a woman.”

“What, like this?” I tickled his neck with my finger tips.

He immediately jumped and smiled.

“Aha! You are ticklish! Big, bad Castiel....”

“I am rather big, but I am not bad,” he merely said.

I paused for a moment.

“I wish you knew enough about sex to understand how dirty that sounded.”

He gave me a blank stare.

“Well, I’m going to hit the hay. I’ll see you around tomorrow. You going to be okay being awake all those hours without me to endlessly annoy you?” I crackled my knuckles for added effect.

“You do not annoy me, Alexandria.” He gave me yet another serious look.

“If you say so. Good night, Castiel.” I leaned to the side and hugged him.

He paused for a moment before squeezing me.

“Good night, Alexandria.”

I kissed his cheek, and brushed the tip of my nose against his stubble, allowing my lips to linger.

_He’s going to yell at you._

He sighed and moved turned his head. Our lips brushed, which made him pause. He pressed his lips to mine, and I froze in my spot, not believing what was happening.

_This isn’t a hallucination. This isn’t my lame self making up another crazy situation. This is very real._

I kissed him back a little bit awkwardly since I’d only been kissed one other time in my life, and I felt his hand go up to my cheek. I laid my hand on his and relished in the most warmth of his mouth, the feel of his smooth, pink lips against mine. The way he got into it a little more and tugged at my bottom lip between his teeth. He was dominant, and it turned me on.

After several moments, he pulled away, and he was serious again.

“Alexandria, you mustn’t tell Sam or Dean that this happened. Promise me.”

“Promise,” was all I managed to stutter out.

“Thank you for kissing me. It - it meant a lot to me. Go get some rest now.”

“Okay,” I said in an airy voice as I got up. “Good night, Castiel.”

“Good night, Alexandria.”

I went back to my room and shut the door, then slid down to the floor in shock.

“Castiel, you are one hell of a kisser,” I mumbled.


	14. Confusion

The days following the kiss with Castiel were confusing to me. The day after our kiss happened, he attempted to cook me breakfast. That day he mostly left me to my own devices, and only came in to remind me to take my medication at nine o’clock at night. He also made sure I didn’t stay up too late because I “needed adequate rest.”

The following day, Sam and Dean returned and I was happy to see my big brothers again. However, Castiel did not leave. He would appear before me after Sam and Dean left the room, and would sit and watch me. When I asked why he was staring, he wouldn’t respond. It was borderline creepy, but given how poor Castiel’s social skills were, I didn’t take much offense to it.

In between cases, Sam spent a fair deal of time helping me prepare for my science test, which was looming around the corner. He would quiz me on various things from biology to astronomy. I greatly appreciated his help, and thought he was a much better study partner than Dean. Dean and I got along better since my stay in the hospital, which made me happy. He even let me help clean the weapons when I wasn’t buried in the books!

Just two weeks before my test, we were packed up and heading to Colorado to work a case that sounded up our alley - people being attacked by “wild animals” and missing their hearts? Werewolves! I was excited to join, as it was my first time on a case in months.

“Thank you guys so much for bringing me,” I said gratefully as we cruised down the highway shortly after leaving the bunker. “I can’t thank either of you enough.”

“We’re happy to have you along, sis,” said Dean as he smiled at me in the rear-view mirror.

“Yeah. I’m glad you’re finally back with us,” said Sam. “I’ve missed having you along.”

I reached forward and squeezed Sam’s shoulder to show my appreciation for his words. I really had to admit that Sam and I would always share a better bond than Dean and I ever would. The age gap between Dean and me was too big, and Sam was always my caregiver. One of my earliest memories with Sam was him pushing me on the swings in a park somewhere in the Midwest - a memory I would treasure until I took my (final) dying breath.

My thought process was cut off by the flapping of angel wings.

“Hello, Alexandria,” Castiel said seconds later.

Dean jumped and nearly drove us off the rode.

“Dammit, Cas! A: Couldn’t you give us a little warning? And B: we were having a nice sibling moment here!”

“My apologies, Dean,” said Castiel. “I only came by to inquire about Alexandria’s medications.”

“What about them?” Sam asked as he turned his head to look at Castiel, who was sitting suspiciously close to me.

“Does she have them?”

“Of course she friggin’ has them!” Dean exclaimed. “Don’t you, sis?”

“Yep! They’re in my bag!” I smiled at Castiel, who was staring back at me.

“Are you drinking enough water?” he asked me.

“Yes...?”

“Are you consuming fruits and vegetables? I’ve read forty-five books on proper diets for humans and they all said that eating fruits and vegetables are good for the body and mind.”

I could see Dean glaring at Castiel in the rear-view mirror while Sam rolled his eyes. I suppressed a giggle.

“I’m getting my fruits and vegetables, yes,” I answered.

“Are you exercising? I know that humans need a certain amount to stay strong.”

“I go for walks every day, Cas!” I laughed. “What’s with all the questions?”

He didn’t answer me. Instead, he left. Dean let out an exasperated sigh.

“That friggin’ angel is going to get his ass kicked one of these days - you just wait.”

“He’s only asking because he cares,” said Sam. “I mean, look at everything he’s done for Alex. It’s unbelievable how much he’s stepped up when he didn’t have to.”

“He owes her that much,” Dean mumbled.

* * *

 

Eight and a half hours later, we were in Colorado Springs. It felt good to travel again and be on a job. We checked into a motel, which was the first off of the highway, and I was given the freedom to stay in my very own room. That meant sleeping alone. No Sammy to sleep next to. I finally felt like an adult.

“My own room!” I exclaimed happily as I burst through the door, and took in the odor of detergent and old carpet. “My own bed!”

I flopped down on the red comforter, grinning as I stared up at the white ceiling.

My cell phone rang and I pulled it out of my pocket. Douchebag.

“For fu-” I groaned and answered it. “What?”

“Hello, darling,” Crowley purred. “I’m glad to hear you’re back on the case with those denim-wrapped nightmares you call your brothers. I mean that with great sincerity.”

“Is there something you want, or do you just feel like ruining my day?” I got up from my bed and closed the door, locking it in the process.

“I’m warning you, Lexi, you tell that boyfriend of yours to stay away from my crossroads deals, or there will be Hell to pay!” he half-screamed in my ear.

“Oh, Cas is so not my boyfriend,” I said with an eyeroll. “And y’know what? Screw your crossroads deals. Your petty little demons are no match for Castiel.”

“Do you really want to challenge that, girly? I can send worse after him with no trouble.”

“Okay, seriously, if you harm Castiel I will find you and I will kill you,” I said in an affirmative tone. “Don’t you hurt a hair on his head.”

“Moi? Hurt your precious boyfriend? I wouldn’t dream of it, love!” He cackled then hung up, which had me worried.

I tried to call Castiel, but he wouldn’t answer. Go figure. I sighed and dug my laptop out of my messenger bag, then got to work on reports in local papers for Sam and Dean. They would later pose as the FBI to go to the coroner’s office to examine a couple of the bodies.

* * *

 

Nighttime arrived quickly, and it was all dead ends for us. After the three of us ate dinner in Sam and Dean’s room, I took my medication and went back to my room for the night. I salted the window and door, then locked up. I kept the curtains drawn so nobody could peep into the room. After a long day of travel and research, I decided that a hot shower was in order.

I stood under the shower head and soaped myself up, enjoying the feeling of the bubbles against my skin, which had many scars from over the years. Many of them had faded, and the more fresh ones were healed. Once I was done showering, I towel-dried my hair, then put on one of Sam’s old flannels that came down to my thighs, and a pair of blue pajama shorts. As soon as I left the bathroom, I found a figure sitting on my bed in the dark.

“Cas?” I asked as I turned on the light.

Castiel turned and looked at me, his blue eyes immediately falling down to my legs. He stood up and walked over to me without saying a word before he pushed me against the wall and kissed me. I stood in shock for a moment before I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his neck in the process. He moaned into my lips as he moved his hands down to my hips. He pushed himself against me; he pressed his firm body into mine. I dropped my arms to his sides and rubbed them.

He moved swiftly and broke our kiss. I stared at him and watched him step back from me, keeping his eyes locked on my frame. I watched as he left without a word, leaving me thoroughly clueless.


	15. My Human

The following night, we were out celebrating our victory for stopping a werewolf, who had been terrorizing Colorado Springs for a week. We were lucky enough to only come across one, and with Sam and me doing research, and with a little help from Castiel, we were able to track down the werewolf and stop it. Castiel barely spoke to me that day, and I didn’t have much of an urge to talk to him. Things weren’t exactly awkward after our encounter the previous night - they were just unexpected, but greatly welcome. I wondered if he had regrets.

We were in a bar, and Sam and Dean were having drinks. I was sipping on water since I couldn’t drink alcohol, and Castiel was watching me. Dean caught Castiel’s attention.

“See that girl over there?” Dean asked him as he pointed out a pretty girl with red hair across the bar.

“What girl?” Castiel asked as he kept his eyes on me.

“If you’d quit staring at Alex, you would see where I’m pointing.” Dean gave him an annoyed look.

Castiel finally looked away from me and his eyes landed on the redheaded woman.

“What about her, Dean?”

“You should go talk to her, man! Treat yourself. You earned it after today.” Dean smiled.

“I would prefer not to.”

“Why not? If you don’t go talk to her, I’m sending Sammy over. At least one of us is getting laid tonight.”

“Does that include me?” I asked.

“No!” Dean said quickly. “Nobody touches my baby sister. I’ll kill them with the Colt if I need to.”

I rolled my eyes and stared down at my water.

“Dean, you should treat Alexandria as the woman she is,” said Castiel.

“She’s my kid sister. I know guys, and I know exactly what they’d want from her. She deserves better than that,” said Dean as he took a drink from his beer bottle. “Sammy, go get that cute girl’s number.”

Sam rolled his eyes and laughed as he glanced at her, then shrugged.

“What the hell,” he said as he got up from his seat next to me. “Be right back.”

“Atta boy!” Dean said as he toasted his beer to Sam.

“You know there’s going to be a day when I’ll have a boyfriend, right?” I said to Dean, who turned his attention toward me.

“Yeah. Just not until you’re thirty.”

“Oh my God! You sound like a Dad!” I rolled my eyes.

“And you sound like a teenager. Come on, Lex, you don’t need a boyfriend. You’ve got enough men in your life to keep you happy, don’t you? One awesome brother, another brother who’s a total geek, and this guy right here,” he said as he clapped Castiel on the shoulder.

That’s when I looked up and saw Castiel looking at me.

“I believe Dean is right, Alexandria. You do not know the thoughts of these other men. They may be dangerous.”

I laughed.

“I can take on a guy a foot taller than me. I’m good.” I took a drink of my water. “I think I’m going to head back to the motel. I need to pack.”

“But you haven’t eaten yet!” Dean whined.

“You can have my burger. I’m not that hungry.” I shrugged as I got up.

“Fine. I’ll see you in the morning, kiddo.” Dean grabbed my wrist and pulled me down for a hug.

“What happened to no chick flick moments?” I asked with a laugh.

“I can make an exception for my little sister.” He grinned. “I’ll tell Sam you said good night.”

“Thank you, Dean. Good night. Good night, Castiel.” I smiled at him, and he merely watched me leave.

* * *

 

Once I reached the motel, which was about a mile walk from the bar, I heard footsteps approaching me as I got closer to my room. I was on high alert then, and quickly pulled out my mace and a knife. I reached the door to my room, and was pushed against it.

“What the-”

I realized it was Castiel, who had a hunger in his eyes. He grabbed my hair and pulled on it lightly, causing my head to go back, and started sucking on my neck. He grabbed my hips and pulled them against his.

“Castiel,” I said as I bit back a moan. “Wh- Why don’t we take this inside?”

I pulled out the key to my room and unlocked it after Castiel released me. We went inside and I locked up, then salted the door. Castiel grabbed me by the hand and led me over to my bed, which was messy with newspaper and my laptop.

“I’m glad you didn’t go over to that girl,” I said as we landed on our backs on the bed.

“Why would I go to another woman, Alexandria? You are my human.” He leaned down and started kissing my neck, his hand landing on my hip.

“I’m your human? What does that mean?” I pulled away from him to look at him.

“I chose you, Alexandria. Out of eons of existence, I chose you. Do you choose me as well?” His stare was intense.

“Of course I do, Castiel,” I said softly, having full trust in the angel.

He leaned down and kissed me tenderly. I pulled him closer by his blue tie and started to untie it. He rolled over on top of me and straddled my legs; he grabbed my hands and placed them above my head as he started to lick and nip at my neck. I felt the tip of his tongue go over my throat and I swallowed hard. He gently nipped my throat.

“Oh, Cas,” I said with a content sigh. “You make me feel so good. I want to make you feel good.”

“This is making me feel very good,” he said.

He rolled his hips against me and I felt his erection. I let out a surprised gasp in response while he slowly moved his hands down my bare arms. He leaned up and nibbled on my left ear. Once he freed my arms of his hands, he started massaging my sides as we began to kiss. I went back to untying his tie and tossed it to the side.

Just then, there was a knock on my door. We both jumped, and Castiel’s eyes glowed bright blue. He got up and started charging for the door.

“Castiel!” I whispered. “Don’t!”

“Alex? You in there?” came Sam’s voice.

Castiel stopped dead in his tracks, then turned around to face me.

“Yeah! Just a second!” I called. “Cas, you gotta get out of here.”

He nodded and kissed me again, then there was a flap of angel wings and he was gone. I remembered his tie laying on the bed and grabbed it, then jammed it in my pocket before I unlocked the door. Sam stood there, eyeing the inside of my room, before looking down at me.

“You okay?” he asked. “I thought I heard Cas.”

“Oh, no. It was the TV. There was a guy on there who looked quite similar to Castiel, though.” I laughed nervously before remembering the guy who “played” Castiel in the alternate world we went to where our lives were made into a TV show - what was his name? ...Misha?

“You’re acting a little odd tonight,” he said as he walked past me to make himself at home on my bed.

“Hey, what happened to the cute redhead?” I shut the door and tucked Castiel’s tie further into my pocket, then took a seat next to him.

“She has a boyfriend. She was still okay with coming back here, but I couldn’t do something like that.”

“Dean would have,” I said bitterly.

“That’s true. He’s back in our room. Sent me over to check on you just to make sure you got back alright.”

“Oh, I definitely did. I took my medicine and was just settling down for the night,” I lied.

“Mmm,” was his response as he looked around the room. “Cas left not long after you. He didn’t say anything. He’s acting kind of weird tonight.”

“Must be the adrenaline after finishing a hunt.” I shrugged.

“Is that what’s going on with you?” He tipped his head to the side, his longer brown locks falling to the side.

“Yeah. It’s just so strange to be back out here and doing this, and having a clear mind while working. It feels great.”

He smiled.

“I’m glad, Lex. You deserve to feel good. Are you sure you don’t want to eat, by the way? I brought your dinner back in a doggie bag. I could go get it if you want.”

“Nah. I’m not hungry.” I shrugged. “Maybe I have some leftover adrenaline.”

“Could be. Well, I’ll let you get some rest. Have a good night, sis.” He leaned down and kissed my cheek.

“Good night, Sammy,” I said as we both stood up, and I leaned up to kiss his cheek as well.

He gave me a little wave before walking out the door. I bolted the door and salted in front of the door again for good measure.

“Could you have any worse timing, Sam?” I mumbled as I pulled Castiel’s tie out of my pocket and looked at it. It was surprisingly not wrinkled, and striped. I did miss his old tie and trench coat that he wore before he became human for a while, but he was still handsomely dressed.

* * *

The following morning, we were loaded up in the car and checked out, leaving Colorado behind for good ol’ Kansas. We chatted about the case and how surprised we were that it was a gal named Caitlyn Taylor and not the original woman we had our sights on. We patted ourselves on the back for the work we did, and I was congratulated on making the final break in the case. Dean praised me multiple times for my rational thought and quick reflexes when we fought Caitlyn.

I heard the flapping of angel wings about halfway into the drive and there was Castiel, a little disheveled in the hair department, and missing his tie (which was tucked away in my bag by that time). Castiel greeted us, making Dean and Sam jump.

“Christ, Cas! I’m gonna wreck this fucking car one of these days, I swear!” Dean exclaimed. “What’s the word, Cas?”

“It’s a shortened version of my name,” he said seriously.

I laughed while Dean looked annoyed.

“That’s not what I meant,” he said. “What are you doing here?”

“I’ve come to check on Alexandria’s health. Have you been taking your medication?”

“Yes, Dad,” I said.

“I am not your father, Alexandria.”

“It was only a joke, Cas,” said Sam.

“Are you eating?” Castiel asked.

I didn’t reply.

“Well, tell him, Alex,” said Dean.

“I didn’t last night, and I had a granola bar this morning,” I mumbled.

“Alexandria, you must eat. Especially with the medications you’re taking. They can make you weak.”

“Okay, Dr. Cas. Anything else?” I sighed.

“No. I will see you all later. I have business to attend to.” With that, there was a flap of angel wings and he was gone.

“Cas seem a little off to you?” Dean asked.

“Yeah. He was missing his tie,” said Sam.

“Hoo-hoo! Our boy must have gotten lucky last night after all. As quickly as he took off, I wondered....” said Dean.

I sat back in my seat and had a mild panic attack. They couldn’t know about Castiel and me. They just couldn’t.


	16. Oral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short! I'm running into writer's block again >.<

Two weeks later, I passed my science test with a one-sixty, and I had my math test just a week later. I wasn’t allowed to go on any hunts until I completed my GED, which would be about a month’s time, which also meant my life would be perpetually boring. After we returned from Colorado Springs, I hid Castiel’s tie in my trunk for safe-keeping. I had no intention on giving it back; to me, it was like a little trophy for getting close to second base with him.

Sam and Dean remained clueless about my tryst with Castiel, and it was going to stay that way. If they found out - especially Dean - Castiel could’ve been a dead angel. I felt like Sam would be the more accepting brother, but there was no way I wanted either of them knowing anyway. For once something was mine, and I was able to keep it to myself.

When one (or both) of them would step out for a burger or to do some light shopping, Castiel would pop in for a make out session in my room. He did replace his tie with a nice, solid, navy tie that looked fetching on him. My handsome angel would occasionally visit me in my dreams and would kiss me there, and when I woke, I would sometimes find his trench coat laying next to me, or I would find him in my room. He would just be sitting there, watching me sleep.

He did still ask me about my medications, and he would check in on me daily to find out if I’ve been on a walk, or if I’ve been eating healthily, or if I’m drinking enough water. I was beginning to believe that he maybe did care about me, and really wanted to see me continue to get better. The day before my big math test, he stopped in to check on me, which caused Dean to interrogate him a little.

“What, do you think we just let Alex do whatever she wants?” he asked from his spot at the kitchen table, where he was drinking some coffee. “We monitor her too, Cas.”

“I am aware of that, Dean, but I need to personally check on her myself. I know you boys are doing your best, but I am afraid that some matters require my attention.”

“Why is that, Cas? Why are you constantly checking on my baby sister? Is there some big deal going on in Heaven that we don’t know about?” Dean put down his coffee mug and stared Castiel dead in the eye.

“The Garrison has been quiet,” was his only comment.

“Angel radio tuned you out or something?” Dean rolled his eyes. “I thought you were playing a bigger role after God gave you that upgrade.”

“While I am a Seraphim, that does not mean the other angels are very fond of me, especially after what I did for Alexandria.” Castiel turned his attention toward me for the first time since he arrived in the kitchen. “Have you eaten today, Alexandria?”

“Nope,” I responded from the counter near the fridge. “Would, uh.... Would you like to eat something? I could cook you something.”

“Hey, you never offer to cook me anything!” Dean whined.

“That’s because you’re a jerk,” I said in a teasing voice.

“And you’re a creep,” he said.

“Dean, that is no way to talk to your sister. Her mental state may not be that well today,” Castiel scolded.

“Relax, Cas. We’re just teasing each other,” said Dean. “Are you on God’s orders to watch over Alex? Is that why you’re doing this babysitter stuff? You ask her every friggin’ day if she’s fine, and what she’s eating and drinking. It’s getting a little old, Cas.”

“I am on no one’s orders but my own,” Castiel stated. “It would do you well not to pry, Dean.”

“Not to pry? She’s my baby sister, for God’s sake! I have every right to pry!” Dean appeared to be frustrated.

“Dean, back off,” Castiel warned. “I mean it.”

“Hey, Cas. How’s it going?” Sammy asked as he walked into the kitchen, just returning from his morning run.

Castiel didn’t respond, and merely walked over to me.

“I will check on you later. I have business to attend to,” he said before he fled.

“What was that about?” Sam asked.

“Just Cas acting like a dick angel,” said Dean. “He thinks it’s his sole responsibility to care for Lex when we’re doing a fine job ourselves.”

“Come on, Dean, you know Cas cares about Alex. Let him do his thing. Whatever it is he’s doing, it’s clearly working. Have you not seen how happy she’s been lately?” Sam sat next to Dean and took a big drink of water.

“What’s the deal with that, anyway?” Dean asked me.

I raised an eyebrow at him, biting back my anxiety.

“Well, since you’ve seemed to have forgotten, passing my GED tests have been a cause for happiness.”

“Right... forgot about those,” Dean said sheepishly. “Well, I’m glad you’re happy, sis. Just... keep doing whatever it is you’re doing. We just want you to be happy.”

“Right-o,” I said as I gave him the thumbs up.

  
The following day I took my math test and passed it with a one-fifty-nine. Math wasn’t my strongest subject, but I was happy to pass. Just after Sam brought me home from class, Dean reported that they had a phone call from Bobby and they needed to get up to Sioux Falls ASAP. After a quick prayer to Castiel, they were gone.

“Finally,” I said as soon as my brothers left, approaching Castiel and kissing him passionately.

He led me back to my room and shut the door, then laid me down on the bed. I pulled him down by his tie and kissed him, longing to be close to him. The thought of us having sex crossed my mind and I panicked a little. I hadn’t really thought of whether or not I was ready to go all the way with him, though I was comfortable with the idea of us doing other stuff. I could think of ten women who would immediately have sex with Castiel’s vessel - but the thing for me was that it wasn’t just about his vessel; it was Castiel - I would be connecting myself physically and emotionally to him for life. It was my deepest belief that sex was not to be taken lightly, and whoever I did it with would be the one and only person I would ever want to share that bond with.

“What is the matter, Alexandria? Are you not satisfied?” he asked me after pausing our kiss.

“No, no. That’s not it. I just... had something on my mind. It’s not important.” I smiled up at him.

“Does it concern our relationship?” he asked. “We can talk about it if you wish.”

What exactly was my relationship with Castiel at that point? Was this all just a fling, or did we both have deeper feelings? Either way, I didn’t quite feel ready for an answer just yet.

“No, that’s alright. Hey, lay on your back,” I said with a smile.

He slowly nodded and got off of me, then laid down on his back, resting his head on my pillow. I got on top of him and began kissing him again, then worked my way down to his neck as I fiddled with his trench coat. I wanted to leave it on - to me, his too-big coat was so very much him and it made him so sexy.

He quietly moaned as I nipped at the nape of his neck. He rubbed my back as I moved down his body and came to a halt at his zipper. I tugged it down carefully and unbuttoned his pants. He looked down at me with lust in his eyes. He raised his lower half so I could pull his pants down.

“I’ve never done this before,” I admitted, noting that he wasn’t wearing underwear.

“That is okay, Alexandria. Only do what you are comfortable with,” he assured.

I gave him a small, bashful smile and leaned up to kiss his lips, then returned to my original position. I lifted his half-hard cock and slid it into my mouth, surprised by how clean he was. He arched his back immediately and started gripping the sheets. He looked so beautiful.

He hummed as I fondled his balls gently. I began bouncing my head in a steady rhythm, keeping his cock in my mouth. Pressure going down, gentle going up. This pattern continued for a few minutes before he reached his climax, his orgasm bursting into my mouth. I swallowed every ounce of his pleasure.

“You taste so good,” I said as I leaned back up to kiss him.

“Mmm...” was all he managed to get out as he laid there.

I watched him bask in his afterglow, looking so beautiful, so pure....

_Maybe, just maybe, there’s more to both sides than I originally thought._


	17. My Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter. Thank you all for taking the time to read, comment, and leave kudos on this story!

“Make room for the third graduate in the family!” Dean exclaimed as I followed Sam, who was carrying in a chocolate cake we bought from the local grocery store, into the kitchen.

“Dean, is this necessary?” I asked with a small laugh as I watched him tape a “Congrats, Grad!” sign up in the kitchen entrance.

“Of course it is! This is a big deal!” he said with a happy chuckle.

“It’s only high school, Dean. College would be the bigger deal,” I said flatly, not feeling very proud of my achievement.

“I believe Dean is right. Graduating is a big deal. You have come very far in your recovery, Alexandria. I... we are very proud,” said Castiel, who was seated at the table.

Sam put the cake, which said, “ _Congratulations, Alex_!” on the counter near the fridge and took a seat at the table next to Castiel.

“I agree with Cas,” Sam said. “You’re the last Winchester to graduate!”  
  
Dean got off the chair he was using to boost his height, then admired his work hanging up the sign.

“Looks good!” he said, then went over to the fridge to open a beer.

I sat across from Castiel and felt his eyes burning into my soul. I glanced at him and smiled a bit. He returned it and kept staring at me.

“Hey, Cas, you still having trouble with the crossroads?” Dean asked.

“It is under control for now. There will always be deals, unfortunately, but it is not as problematic as it was in the past.”

“That’s great,” said Sam, who was getting up to fetch a beer for himself.

“Hey, bring me a drink,” I said as Sam walked past me.

He returned seconds later with a beer for himself and a bottle of root beer for me. I was allowed soda that day because of the celebration. Cake, soda, candy - whatever I wanted that day, I got it. As tempting as all of that was, there was only one thing on my mind - Castiel, who was sitting right in front of me, staring at me with great intensity.

“Thank you, Sammy,” I said as he sat down.

“No problem, Alex. What do you want for dinner?”

“Bar burgers, of course,” I said as I winked at Dean, who raised his drink in response.

* * *

 

A while later, Sam and Dean went out to get the food while I stayed behind with Castiel. We were laying in my bed, kissing. The feel of his pink lips against my own drove me insane. I was ready to go further with him at that point, but knew we couldn’t at the time because we wouldn’t be alone for long.

“Alexandria,” he said as he broke away from me, staring at me intensely again, “you are very beautiful. Your soul is very beautiful.”

“And you’re the most beautiful being I’ve ever encountered,” I replied as I kissed him again.

“Alex! Cas! We’re back!” I heard Dean shouting from the halls. “Where are you guys?”

I gave Castiel a horrified look and saw him disappear in time for Dean to open my door.

“What are you doin’, kiddo? Where’s Cas?”

“He, uh, went out. He didn’t really say,” I said quickly as I sat up in my bed.

“Oh. He’ll be back. Come on, it’s suppertime.” He smiled at me and walked out the door.

“Right....” I said slowly as I got out of bed and followed him out of the room.

We ate dinner, then we ate cake. Castiel returned after the boys went to bed; he was a little beat up, and his nose was bleeding. I hurried over to him and comforted him.

“Castiel! What happened?” I asked, my voice full of concern.

“Crowley,” he said in a strained voice. “His best demons got to me. I... I couldn’t save the soul. But I managed to kill the demons and spare their hosts.”

“Oh, Castiel....” I said slowly, leading him over to my bed. “Here. Relax.”

“Thank you, Alexandria, but I can assure you that I am fine.” He sat down on my bed, and within a blink of an eye he was healed again.

I sat next to him and rested my head on his shoulder. He rested his head on mine and sighed. We locked fingers and I felt his breathing slow down.

“What are we, Castiel?” I asked him.

“Assuming I had a soul, soul mates,” he responded.

“How does that work?” I lifted my head carefully and looked at him.

He paused for a moment, seeming to think it over in his head.

“My grace seems to gravitate towards your soul. I have heard of other angels experiencing this with other humans, but I would have never imagined it happening to me.”

“To be fair, I didn’t even believe in angels six years ago,” I commented.

“You and Dean shared a common problem with lack of faith,” he said.

“Tell me about it.”

We were quiet for a bit, which led to us kissing. Which led to us taking our clothes off and, after hesitation and a little bit of awkward conversation, led to us making love for the first time. He was slow and gentle, and I could feel his grace overwhelm me. I wasn’t sure how different sex with an angel versus a human was, but I was sure that Castiel could outdo any guy any day of the week.

After he reached his peak, we laid there together, and I listened to his vessel’s heart beat.

“Castiel?” I said after several moments passed of us laying together, naked, covered by my blanket.

“Yes, Alexandria?”

“What are we?”

“You are asking about the nature of our relationship,” he said.

“Yes. So... what are we?”

“You are my human,” he said. “And I am your angel.”

* * *

Castiel’s and my relationship blossomed for many years. He was very loyal to me, and I, to him. We shared a profound connection - one that went deeper than his with Dean’s. I felt his presence a good portion of the time when I was hunting with my brothers, and he often visited me at night and would lay next to me while I slept. He kept the nightmares at bay, and the dark thoughts I carried were gone.

After a year passed, I went back to school to become an accountant. After two years and earning my Associate’s Degree, I was free from school and from the family business. I joined an accounting firm and, after ten years of putting in my time, opened my own firm to handle people’s taxes. I was proud of myself for leaving the lifestyle. I got a house a few miles away from the bunker and Castiel frequented my home. Of course, whenever my brothers needed help, I was there for them as they always were for me.

My Schizophrenia remained quiet, one could say. I was kept on a regular schedule with therapy and medication, and having an angel on my shoulder certainly helped. My mental illness didn’t beat me - I beat it.

While I was out living my apple pie life, my brothers continued to hunt. There was a lot of harsh criticism in the field for me getting out, but I didn’t care. Castiel also faced backlash for giving himself to me and claiming me as his human. Living a quiet life in the suburbs was definitely everything I ever dreamed of, and having a stable job that I ran out of my home was a dream come true. On the side, I wrote stories, which I eventually published. They weren’t big sellers, but they were fun to fall back on when I got sick of working with numbers all day.

All in all, my life turned out much better than I ever expected. My message to anyone who had a deal like mine? Always keep fighting.


End file.
